[Mark75]

I am posting here in the 12 step forum. I need some experience, strength and hope.

When I went to rehab, I didn't want to go. It was to save my career. I was already trying the easier softer way... cutting down, stopping the pills... not any success with stopping the alcohol though, none whatsoever...

I remember being in the courtyard... a sunny afternoon in September, my first Saturday at rehab, we had "free time"... playing bocce ball... I had found out the day before that what I thought was going to be a week in rehab was really going to be 8 to 12 weeks...

I was indignant, angry, humiliated... In a surreal moment, well, almost a literary moment, I imagined myself as a kid, maybe 12 (I am 51)... picking up the bocce ball... hurling it through the large plate glass windows on the second floor that overlooked the courtyard. It was the conference room where the counsellors, those that had "sealed my fate", met twice a week. Oh!, the pandemonium that would ensue... And me, surly and recalcitrant on the grounds of the rehab in the middle of all the commotion... "F*CK YOU!" would be all I'd say.

It'll be a year next month.

In some ways, my recovery has been good... I have lost the obsession over alcohol, I do not crave the drink, I feel strong in the 3rd step. I am on my 5th step, though not moving forward. I enjoy the fellowship of AA. Without it, my head would explode.

But sometimes I still feel like that kid I imagined in the courtyard.

My bottom was "shallow"... is what I've been told anyway. That may be... but I am an alcoholic... I am on the side of a cliff overlooking a much lower bottom. I know the answer is in the steps... Probably the sixth where I become willing to ask God to remove my defects of character.

I don't expect, nor even want, anyone to provide me the answer that only I can answer. I know that I should just work the steps.... But for those of you with whom this resonates... what was your experience?

Mark