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Originally Posted by gneiss  I'm really disappointed. It looks like my friend who was going to visit me this weekend won't be able to make it. His boss threw a fit and told everyone they couldn't have their time off. When my friend called me to let me know he likely won't be able to come (unless his boss calms down and can be persuaded) I had to bite my tongue. It felt like every other disappointment I've had lately caused by someone lying to me. However, I think that feeling is a symptom of another problem: I just don't trust people anymore.
I have no reason to think he's lying, but it seems like the rest of the people I've been around lately have lied to me a lot (they're all druggies, after all) so there's this little voice in the back of my head screaming, "He's lying. He never had any intention of coming to visit! And he probably doesn't even like you." It's quite sad, I used to trust people-- maybe to a fault-- but I can't just enjoy a friendship now without always wondering what's really going on, even when I have no reason to think anything is out of order.
I guess part of it is that I'm suffering from a lack of confidence in myself, i.e. that little voice telling me "He doesn't even like you." He calls me. He emails me. He texts me. He tells me he can't wait to see me. But... right. I'm sure he hates me secretly. That's ridiculous, I'm laughing about it as I type. Druggies do that because they want your money to buy drugs. This friend would get nothing out of that unless he's so completely warped that he just gets kicks out of telling people he thinks they're cool when he really doesn't. That's just about the dumbest thing I've ever heard. But when I feel down about myself I start thinking about drugs so I guess that's my druggie brain trying to get me to use drugs. Before I did drugs I was shy but I never lacked confidence to the extent that I thought people who hung around with me didn't really like me.
Does it ever end? Do I get to trust people again, just enough to have some peace of mind? It's driving me crazy. |
I don't do drugs and I think like that. I used to drink, but whether I am drinking or not I still tend to think that way. I can relate to what you and sfgirl both said. Gneiss, I bolded that part in your post because that same thought has ran through my mind more than I can tell you, even though it doesn't make sense. The truth is though, some people do get a kick out of doing that. (Not saying that's the case in your situation, but it happens). My point is that not having anything cloud your mind (alcohol, drugs) will help you be able to pinpoint who those people are.
My train of thought on relationships/friendships has alot to do with my past relationships with certain people. Dealing with unstable, unreliable people can make anyone crazy, especially if you allow it to go on for long periods of time. I know that's a major factor why I doubt most people now. My point is alcohol didn't make me think that way, my experiences with certain people did.
Being sober though, I think is allowing me to choose more consistent, stable people to have in my life. My mind is clearer and if I don't like something someone is doing, atleast I am not hiding from it now behind alcohol.