[gneiss]

I'm really disappointed. It looks like my friend who was going to visit me this weekend won't be able to make it. His boss threw a fit and told everyone they couldn't have their time off. When my friend called me to let me know he likely won't be able to come (unless his boss calms down and can be persuaded) I had to bite my tongue. It felt like every other disappointment I've had lately caused by someone lying to me. However, I think that feeling is a symptom of another problem: I just don't trust people anymore.


I have no reason to think he's lying, but it seems like the rest of the people I've been around lately have lied to me a lot (they're all druggies, after all) so there's this little voice in the back of my head screaming, "He's lying. He never had any intention of coming to visit! And he probably doesn't even like you." It's quite sad, I used to trust people-- maybe to a fault-- but I can't just enjoy a friendship now without always wondering what's really going on, even when I have no reason to think anything is out of order.

I guess part of it is that I'm suffering from a lack of confidence in myself, i.e. that little voice telling me "He doesn't even like you." He calls me. He emails me. He texts me. He tells me he can't wait to see me. But... right. I'm sure he hates me secretly. That's ridiculous, I'm laughing about it as I type. Druggies do that because they want your money to buy drugs. This friend would get nothing out of that unless he's so completely warped that he just gets kicks out of telling people he thinks they're cool when he really doesn't. That's just about the dumbest thing I've ever heard. But when I feel down about myself I start thinking about drugs so I guess that's my druggie brain trying to get me to use drugs. Before I did drugs I was shy but I never lacked confidence to the extent that I thought people who hung around with me didn't really like me.

Does it ever end? Do I get to trust people again, just enough to have some peace of mind? It's driving me crazy.