Hi all,
I wanted to update people on where I am with this b/c I had a major revelation about myself.
I've been a love addict
all my life.
The particular combination of cosmic forces that conspired to create me into this addict happened very early in life. I had my first love obsession in nursery school at the tender age of 4. It was with a boy named Brian. We used to push our cots together during nap-time and exchange kisses. I would follow him around the playground like a little puppy. One day, he literally disappeared. I remember asking the teachers about him but apparently he was very good at hiding from me. The strange thing is, this is pretty much the
only memory I have at that age.
Scary, isn't it?
I thought about Brian FOR YEARS. I obsessed about him and made up little fantasies about our non-existent relationship.
This went on until I was in 5th grade and found my next target. Oh, I was in love! We would exchange looks in class and pick on each other. He liked me as much as I liked him. Till one day, he hooked up with another girl in our class. But that didn't deter my fantasies. I wrote about us in my journal, a strange mix of truth and fiction. This went on for a couple of years, until my next target arrived.
I lived this pattern from early puberty until well into college. I would fall for a guy who showed interest in me, then I would obsess about him for months or years after he fell for someone else, until the next target came along. I finally ended up in a real relationship when I was 20. We were together 7 years and I don't remember anything about those years, except living with the daily fear of wondering when he was going to leave me for someone else. It took 7 years, but it eventually happened.
Shortly after that relationship ended, I met Jack. It was love at first sight. It still amazes me that I'm married, b/c I never thought anyone would ever
choose me. I was used to guys eventually choosing to be with someone else, which continues to be my biggest fear. In fact, a huge trigger for me is when Jack tells me how much he loves me and calls me his "wife for life." Instead of making me feel all warm and fuzzy, it sends me into a panic, b/c my long-held feelings of being unworthy won't let me believe him. As you can imagine, this fear has brought all kinds of problems into my marriage.
But, believe it or not, the realization that I've had a lifetime of love addiction is a huge relief. I realize now that it wasn't something special or unique about Jack that triggered my addiction. He's just the latest target. My love mechanism is just seriously out of whack and it always has been. Having this knowledge has helped me view my recovery in a whole new light. It's kind of like an addict realizing he can't drink, use drugs, or take pills. Jack might be my current DOC, but in general, I'm just a relationship junkie. This makes it a whole lot easier to take the focus off of Jack and put in on the real problem - how to stop being obsessive in any relationship.
So, that's where I am these days. Thanks for listening.
