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Least,
I imagine you have a therapist/psychiatrist to speak with. And you mentioned wishing you were stupid. I recently got my IQ tested (and some ADHD testing too) and that changed 80% of my therapy and she tweaked my meds. I go for anxiety and PTSD. Intelligence is a double edged sword. It helps when you need to be constructive or critical but kills when you start evaluating yourself.
I hear you totally about the G-man. I had a conversation with my family the other day about my spirituality. They asked what I'd say to him if I ever had a chance and i replied with, "God, F*&# you." That's how I've felt for so long.
Forget God as being whose responsible for your ailments and troubles. No loving God would put so much trouble on a person, he's not a sadist. But, just like in the AA meetings, it's not about the Abrahamic, Jesus'-father-God for every person. Find something larger than yuorself that you can feel responsible to and do things for that.
If you want, forget God altogether. Just don't let it be a source of anger.
I hope things improve...
ChairmanMa084
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