[least]

I spend my days waiting for bedtime so I can escape into sleep for a while. I hate waking up cause it means having to drag myself thru another day. I recently relapsed and am back on the wagon again. My depression and anxiety and manic depression also have been getting worse, my meds were increased but haven't yet felt any difference.

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can't kill myself cause I won't abandon my dogs, but just getting thru each day is a struggle. I find little joy in anything and don't know why I'm living. I have four kids and four grandkids but that brings me no happiness or fulfillment. I feel like 'living' is just an old habit that I can't break.

Sometimes I wish I'd been born really stupid so I wouldn't be so aware of this every day struggle and finding a 'purpose' in my life, such as it is. I don't want to do anything, only want to sleep as much as I can, and just get thru each day until it's time to go to bed. The only thing I take pleasure in is snuggling with my dogs at bedtime.

I find myself hating God (the God I grew up with) and desperately wishing he'd never put me on earth.

Is this all there is???



I've gone back to AA and am on step three "making a decision to turn my will and life over to the care of God as I understand him"... and since I don't understand him at all I"m wondering what I will accomplish by turning my will and life over to him... The older I get, the less I 'know'... I just want to feel like I"m on solid ground... but is this all there is?? More questions than answers???