| Hmm
I was afraid. Afraid of being judged and reproached. Being demonised and inviting false prophets to come and "save" me. I don't need saving from other Christians. Inviting the non-believers to bask in my questioning of faith, to let me know just how lost i was to ease their own feelings of guilt and self-reproach. I don’t need to be saved by non-believers or atheists.
I need solace and peace and a resolute faith in turning my will and life over to God as I understand God. For me it has been Jesus. I find comfort in the name, in prayer, but sometimes i feel a sense of limitation at church, a sense of empty ritual and not really feeling connected to the ritual, sometimes I feel a sense of the blinkers are on myself and other parishioners.
I feel the church has lost it. The obsession with saving the world has lost the church the sense of saving itself and fostering its own members freedom?? It feels akin to how I used to try and save my family and “the world” but forgot to save myself, forgot to really turn and examine my personal relationship with the higher power.
This is just how I feel for today......
I find when I bring up my doubt/concern/seeking I find some Christians meet me with a sense of being labotomised but I question the faith, the Bible, the church. I find some atheists and non-belivers bash my religion and make scorn and hate towards Christianity to the extreme and they don’t see how that is just the same as a zealous Christian hating people for being what they deem as “unholy, against God, not right”. Hate on both sides for the same intention, the same attitude, the same sense of rightness and “knowing the REAL truth”.
I question how can I be a “Christian” or a believer when I don’t agree with all in the bible. I don’t agree or feel the nEW testament sits right with me.. parts of it do.
But how can i base my faith on something in part? How can i foster it? How can i reclaim the aliveness of my faith without the dogma and ritual dragging me down. How can I find the spiritual freedom and newness within my faith? How can I claim to KNOW the true faith when what is truth anyway?
How can I put God in a box and claim to know what’s right when If eel that my Christian faith makes itself to be the true way and only way. Hmmm. my concept of Him changes again. less personal and more profound.
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