[Bamboozle]

...all of it. Time to be 100% honest. Maybe someone can tell me something that clicks.

The antidepressants do a good job for the most part, but I'm having a really bad moment tonight. I hope this feeling passes soon...the last time it lasted about three days.


I'm lost.

I'm not comfortable calling myself a woman. I'm not comfortable calling myself a man. I answer to both and I don’t correct people…because there is nothing to correct…I guess.

I have woman parts...and I've been attracted to nothing but straight women all of my life.

I cannot control who it is I'm attracted to. I know that being who I am and being attracted to straight women is futile...but I cannot change it. I swear if I could I would...this is making me miserable.

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being alone.

Is the reason I'm attracted to straight women because there really isn't anyone out where I am? Gay/Bi people are scarce here.

Or is it because I see myself as male when thinking about or relating to women and see how women respond to men...and I want the same?

I like feminine women who have strength of character, are independent and know how to take control.

I know there has to be some lesbians or bisexuals out there who fit this.

Where are they? I'm lost without them.

I wish I was male...I don't know if that's because I think it would be easier for me...or because that makes more sense because I've never felt comfortable as I am. Sh!t, I’m nearly 30 and I’m still not comfortable with the way that I walk and talk. I feel so awkward.

Nothing fits and I can't change who I am...I’m out of place.

I don't know what to think or what to do.

I'm desperately trying to make sense of all of this and I have no direction.

I just want to be me...whoever the f*ck that is.

WTF?