SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post

boonie · 07-18-2009, 08:47 AM

Hi folks! What a great forum, glad I found it (actually re-posting here cause the kind folks over in the newbie forum told me about this one!).
I admitted to myself two years ago that I was an alcoholic, too late not to keep from losing my new home and separate from my wife of 20 years though. I thought I had it all figured out and I just needed to be on my own, yeah right! I think I just wanted to drink and party and run from reality, still thinking I was in my 20's and not my 40's.
So I hit bottom real quick after that, after having thrown it all away that is. I wound up in a recovery program and tested the waters of AA. I keep trying to go it on my own but like we all know IT JUST WON'T WORK!! I've had 3 relapses in the last two years, the most recent July 5 and it was a dozy. I had quit the meetings 6 months ago, partly cause of major back surgery, which I then turned into an excuse (always excuses).
So I'm back again to meetings. The reason I say I struggle with step 1 is not that I can't admit to myself that I'm powerless (or can I really?) it's that I can't abide with the truth that I know I'm powerless, of course as I read that I feel there is more to that than I can figure out at this moment??
I've also discovered a fear of the white chip? Just this morning I think it hit me where that fear comes from, I feel that if I have the white chip it may become a symbol of failure if I relapse again, just how I think. I've beaten myself up for years thinking I've been a failure, hence running to the bottle for comfort.
I'll close here for now but I'm glad to be here and hope that I can contribute to someone else's recovery eventually, that would give me purpose which I need in my life right now, purpose that I feel my Higher Power means for me!!

Thx for lettin' me share

boonie

07-18-2009, 08:47 AM	#1 (permalink)
boonie Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Central NC Posts: 3	Step 1 struggle Hi folks! What a great forum, glad I found it (actually re-posting here cause the kind folks over in the newbie forum told me about this one!). I admitted to myself two years ago that I was an alcoholic, too late not to keep from losing my new home and separate from my wife of 20 years though. I thought I had it all figured out and I just needed to be on my own, yeah right! I think I just wanted to drink and party and run from reality, still thinking I was in my 20's and not my 40's. So I hit bottom real quick after that, after having thrown it all away that is. I wound up in a recovery program and tested the waters of AA. I keep trying to go it on my own but like we all know IT JUST WON'T WORK!! I've had 3 relapses in the last two years, the most recent July 5 and it was a dozy. I had quit the meetings 6 months ago, partly cause of major back surgery, which I then turned into an excuse (always excuses). So I'm back again to meetings. The reason I say I struggle with step 1 is not that I can't admit to myself that I'm powerless (or can I really?) it's that I can't abide with the truth that I know I'm powerless, of course as I read that I feel there is more to that than I can figure out at this moment?? I've also discovered a fear of the white chip? Just this morning I think it hit me where that fear comes from, I feel that if I have the white chip it may become a symbol of failure if I relapse again, just how I think. I've beaten myself up for years thinking I've been a failure, hence running to the bottle for comfort. I'll close here for now but I'm glad to be here and hope that I can contribute to someone else's recovery eventually, that would give me purpose which I need in my life right now, purpose that I feel my Higher Power means for me!! Thx for lettin' me share boonie