[Cynay]

Wow.... tough subject.... I can only share my experience.

The man who brought me to recovery is an Alcoholic, of course he is not my first.... I have always had alcoholics in my life... but he was the last one I would ever take the abuse from.

When he decided to get Sober and went to AA he strongely suggested that I attend Al-anon.... and honestly that just pissed me off more. At that time I had more then enough of the abuse.... in my eyes AA gave him excuses.... not to take responsibility for what he had done (that was in the past) for not understanding the deep pain I felt inside (because he had to keep it light) for not talking about the depth of the pain his actions brought to the relationship... etc....

I hated AA and when I first went to Al-anon I hated it too.... why should I have had to attend a 12 step program just because he had a problem. Why should my life, activities etc change cuz he could not handle it.... I felt that once again I had to change to adapt to his defects.

It took me at least 6 months in Al-anon to start to figure out that I had issues, that there was a reason I was addicted to alcoholics.... that I had to focus on myself and not on the relationship I had with my alcoholic. That relationship ended, and the next relationship with an Alcoholic ended too.... I was way to angry. Not that I feel that my anger was not justified..... but I was too busy trying to deal with the deep pain and had no time left to focus on myself.

Al-anon is for friends and families of Alcoholics ... it teaches us our part of the dance, how to set boundries and keep the focus on us. IMHO it is SO much harder then AA and what the Alcoholics go though ... mostly because you see the problem .. Alcohol.... and you know what you have to do. Seeing our problem is so much more personal and harder to fix.... because we are the problem... and it takes time to heal and change our behaviors.

When you have more recovery I would strongly suggest that you try a CoDA meeting.... may of my friends in CoDA are alcoholics and some with 10 plus years sober and told me that the really hard work started when they walked through the doors of CoDA.... it could give you an idea of what she is going though in Al-anon, or you could even try going to an Al-anon meeting and listening to their stories.... trust me when I say the pain for them is just as deep as our pain in AA.

After a few months in Al-anon, my sponsor suggested I attend an AA meeting once a week, I think alot of my compassion and understanding about Alcoholics came from those meetings, now might not be the right time to suggest that to her...... but it is a two way street.... maybe your ready to see it from the other side of the street and could consider attending 6 months of a Al-anon meeting once a week.... Im guessing you did not become an Alcoholic alone and have others in your life that you are a friend or family member to an Alcoholic.