[shutterbug]

Now....what have I been up to over the past 8 months? Not a whole hell of a lot to my regret.

I miss feeling driven by have a job/assignment to do on a regular basis and pushing myself to succeed. The print media market has been shrinking and there typically only a couple of photojournalism job openings across the entire country at any given time.

I've broadened my job searching to include my old stand-by of reporting, but no openings anywhere nearby. I've also been trying for graphic design jobs, but i'm limited in the area because I don't know how to layout pages, etc., because I'm not educated in the programs used...and don't like the work of putting a puzzle together on a tight deadline and having to make it look good.

Anyway....I have my own pro camera gear now....a big thing for me, but have yet had any freelance gigs or anything to even have a reason to use it. ***sad***

I even asked the associated press if i could submit feature images to them like i use to (a non-paid thing), but they said i can't if i'm not on staff at a member paper. That made me sad b/c i love seeing my images go up on the wire and often seeing them end up in publications in other states, countries. So i was willing to go shoot anything for free for them just to feel like i was back in the field of photojournalism again.

-----
With Tena's help I've been trying to get the house and my over-abundance of junk and other possessions in order. It's a slow process, but progress is being made.



-----
I wish i was asleep right now. I worked all day, both mentally and physically so I guess i exhausted myself to the point of not being able to sleep.

I shot some boudoir images months ago and promised the client 5 artistically, edited images....and only finished all 5 today...finally. She was starting to get aggrevated ...and rightly so. It's been hard to make myself work on photo manipulations without having the computer set up i am so accustom to. It's definetly work compared to the enjoyment i use to get out of it. (Not having the pro-type camera set up i was use to also added to the frustrations and lack of motivation).

I was going non-stop today from about noon until around 3 a.m. I would take breaks from the computer/photo work by cleaning/organizing the house and car.

I may have pushed myself into a hypomania by pushing myself into getting so much done, but I've been back up to my regular level of Lamictal for several weeks now so my moods should be more stable than they have been (especially since they were more stable several weeks ago, even being on the lower dose). However, i do realize the great amount of stress i've been feeling definetly plays a part in my mood variations.

But i am glad for the hypo of today because I'd been pretty baseline for most of the past 8 months. But about months ago my depression issues started creeping back. They are not yet severe (and hopefully won't become so), but I've been down enough to bring fleeting thoughts of drastic measures back into my head...and hence that has brought thoughts of going back into day treatment or something.

It appears I may be eligible for a 2nd extension of my unemployment benefits ...and if so then day treatment becomes a possibility. If not....i won't even be able to afford the cost of gas to drive to treatment.

----
good news: my baby cousin who was taken from our family when her mother died in 2001... has been getting to visit the whole family this past month for the first time since her mother's funeral. Her sister and I had luckily bumped into her a couple of times several years ago b/c of the school she was in, but then her dad moved her across the country for his job or something.

She is 14 now and so i guess he finally decided to let her see her only real sister...and the rest of our family. She looks and acts soooo much like her mom that her sister has had a hard time handling being around her very much at a time....as it opens those old wounds.

Her visits have been a giant blessing to our family though....and her sister had also just had a baby just a few weeks before so she also got to me the nephews she wasn't even aware she had. Unfortunately, she is only in the state for summer vacation with her dad's family...and will return home to the other side of the country in a couple of weeks.

But...I doubt her dad will be able to keep her away for this long ever again. she said she had already asked him (before ever getting to visit us) if she could come and live with her sister when she turned 18...and now she wants to see her nephew grow up...and is now aware of how many people truely love her and have painfully missed her in our lives for so many years (as she was told and made to believe the complete opposite was true).

----
I just had my 33rd bday and had been planning for months to stop smoking on that day, but life had started getting really stressful and depressing for me the past month so wasn't actually prepared when my bday arrived. I have therefore moved the quit date back a month...but it may take 2...tho i am 99.99 percent committed to definetly quitting this year. I can't stand the smell of them any more and the cost has skyrocketed and my asthma has obviously gotten worse from it...and i just don't want to be a smoker any more. It'll be a hard change to maintain tho.

----
I continued loosing weight and WAS down a total of nearly 40 pounds, but i've gained back about 8 pounds so I'm searching for a way to motivate myself to excersize. I tried a bootcamp excersize program, but it was too early in the mornings, they wanted me to do the whole meal/diet thing at the same damn time, and they were just to cruel IMO and i couldn't handle feeling any worse about myself when it was already a struggle just to make it to the workouts by 5:30 a.m.

soo....the search continues for something i can stick with. I'm mostly concerned with changing my activity levels first....the eating healthier will be the step after. I want to be able to make it where i'll stick with it rather than trying too much at once and failing and ending up completely giving up.

----
Perhaps I can fall asleep now?

I had decided at 6 a.m. just to go to Walmart and get the groceries and household items on my list since i couldn't sleep and want to get it done and over with....

Then, just when i was trying to figure out if i had any clean clothes i could wear....I realized that my mom has my car. They came and got it last night b/c the alternater belt is literally falling apart and so my step-dad is going to try and replace it this morning...so this way the engine will be cool and he can work on it (if a local shop has the belt in stock).

So that put a damper on my early morning, sleep-deprived plan. I have several things to do today so I was planning on just loading up on coffee and other caffiene and getting a second, consecutive day in of being super productive for a real change!

oh well....i'll see if i can fall asleep for a few hours. hopefully i will just sleep until my step-dad calls to say my car is fixed and they are bringing it over....hopefully i will not wake up feeling like i've been hit by a truck....hopefully.

Hugs,
Jenna