[freya]

So here's my (most pressing) current RL "drama" with these issues:

Most of you know that, at the beginning of June, I spoke at a "Women in Recovery" event. I was the main Al Anon speaker, and I did a workshop -- with an AA co-presenter -- on "Sex in Recovery."

At one point in the workshop, the conversation got onto how to get "men" to talk honestly and openly about their needs and feelings. And, of course, within a few moments, the straight participants started down the "mnn bashing" road. I really did not want us to go there (so pointless, so ineffective, so petty...such a friggin' total waste of time), so I interrupted the conversation, pointed out what was happening, why it wasn't healthy or helpful, and re-directed the topic in a more promising direction.

Now obviously, the participants (mostly straight women from small town and rural central NY), when talking about "men" meant "bio-men," or "men-born-male," but when I was speaking I clearly indicated that I was referring to all masculine-energied people -- because my partner (a butch) has many of the same difficulties/handicaps in this area as "men" do.

So anyways, the entire detour in the conversation took, maybe, 1.5 - 2 minutes. And then we were back onto a more constructive road again.

So, fast-forward about 2 weeks. I get phone call from a woman who had been at the workshop (can't exactly put a face to her name because there were quite a few women there). She had gotten my number from one the event's organizers. After the obligatory introductions and pleasantries, she says to me (and this is pretty much a direct quote): "You said something about your partner..uh...being "butch"...........That means she's like a man to you, right?"

......and I am like absolutely, totally speechless...because, really, how in the h*ll is one going to answer that question in any way that is possibly truthful and accurate and understandable to anyone who has so little knowledge of what she's really getting into that she would phrase the question like that????????

So, there's like all these possible answers/responses running through my mind ("Gee, I think there's someone at the door -- I've got to go" being at the top of the list!!!!) because, like I said earlier, she clearly needs, at the very minimum, a semester's worth of Intro to Gender Studies before she might possibly even be able to begin to understand my authentic "true" answer.

But, I am pretty good under pressure, so what I said was: "That's actually a very, very complicated question with a very, very complicated 'true' answer. So maybe it would be best if I first find out why you're asking it?"

...and the flood-gates open: miserable marriage with the only guy she's ever dated or had sex with. And she has no real interest in having sex anyways. The only time she has ever felt like she was really attracted to anyone "the way people like on TV or in the movies get attracted to each other" is a few times in her life when she's been around a few women who were 'like men." Of course, having lived all of her life in friggin' middle-of-nowhere rural NY, it never occurred to her that that might mean she was actually attracted to masculine-energied females. (..and, obviously, a lot of that has just been written in my language, not hers...because she is totally lacking in language to talk about any of this.)

And she wants my help to figure out what all of this means!!!!!

......And I want to disappear off the face of the earth.....because even though 1) I would like to be able to help her, and 2 ) I am perfectly suited to being able to help her, we are talking pretty much about the total re-education of as 45 year old woman here. And that is a big job, a complicated job, and a hugely intimidating/humbling responsibility.

But OK....I chose to go out to rural central NY and do this thing (the original Women's event). I chose, as always, to be absolutely "out," honest, and authentic in the doing of it. I chose to do it knowing perfectly well that it was/is 12th Step work and that, as such, there was the obvious potential for it to lead to further 12th Step work if I did it well. And, I have committed 101% to "going where my HP leads me."

So, I told her the truth: " I know it took a lot of guts for you to call me. It's probably taking a lot of guts for you to even start thinking about working on this stuff. And yeah, I can probably help you...I have the background, the education and the personal experience......but you need to understand that it's going to be a lot of work and there are going to be some things you will need to learn/understand before we can even talk together in ways that are going to be mutually comprehensible. If you really want to pursue this with me....basically, finding out who you are as regards sex and gender -- and if you really want my help, then I'm going to need for you to get a book (The Persistent Desire -- a series of essay on lesbian gender expression and dynamic written by women who lived this life in the mid-20th century) and we can read it together and use it as a starting point for teaching and learning."

And, seriously, I figured she probably was not going to be willing to do that -- or able to foolow-thgouh with it even if she wanted to -- and I didn't hear fro her for over 2 weeks. Then last week she called, and she had gotten the book.

So, here we go.........

"The will of God will never lead you where the grace of God will not protect you."

freya