[vegan04]

Hi there,

I've been sober since 09-26-2007, and I've been in a relationship for five months with a man I met in sobriety. He had been sober since February 2007, about seven months longer than I. However, last Saturday (six days ago), he called me while drunk at 9:30pm (I'd last seen him around 5pm, sober), and over the next couple of days it came out that he'd been drinking on the sly for about a month. This involved a couple of times I sensed things were "off" but he was able to convince me that he was okay. (Of course, I went through the stages of beating myself up for not trusting my instincts, but I also think it's human nature to give people the benefit of the doubt.)

Anyhow, I do love this man, and I want to continue my relationship with him -- I've told him that if he relapses again, there will be no 3rd chances. (Some background: he's been trying to get sober since 1986, and he's had multiple relapses. The longest he's been sober is 11 years.) I've also told him that if there are any lies -- no matter how small -- then it will be over as well. But even with these things out there -- complete honesty, no more relapses -- I'm having a difficult time figuring out how to rebuild trust.

I've been through all 12 steps of AA, and I have a wonderful sponsor and a solid support network. I go to at least 7 meetings a week (I'm currently unemployed), often more like 10 a week. I don't feel as though my sobriety is in question -- this is more a conundrum of figuring out if I can regain trust in this man, or if it's just a deal-breaker for me.

I realize, also, that I have no control over his behavior, and that I can only work on me. I've been going to Al-Anon meetings to get support in that regard, and it's helping tremendously. And, also, it's been only six days since this all came to the surface, so not a lot of time has passed.

The biggest thing, I suppose, is fear. I'm afraid of being betrayed again, I'm afraid of him relapsing, I'm afraid of continuing to love someone when there is a possibility of feeling so much pain a second time. (My relationship before this one also ended in a relapse, although that time it happened after I broke up with the man for other reasons.)

I do have faith in my bf... I'm just baffled on what steps can be taken to rebuild trust. I've been searching the Internet for advice, and most of what comes up is related to infidelity. And I suppose that's somewhat helpful, but I'd love to hear from other people who have experienced something like this and are able to share their experience, strength, and hope with me.

Thanks, and sorry this is so long.

A