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rmm · 07-09-2009, 10:31 AM

My husband is still not drinking, but he's not going to AA or in any way dealing with his alcohol abuse (which he doesn't see as alcoholism). We have been seeing a counselor together for a few weeks who he saw alone for a few months prior. This past week she was grilling me (I really dislike her fyi and she has said straight out that she is not knowledgeable about alcoholism/addiction) about why it is if I'm wondering about how my husband is doing/what he's thinking/how he feels/if he's tempted to drink, why it is I don't just ask him. I tried explaining to her that it seemed to me that it should not be up to me to constantly check in with him and try to force his hand into thinking about his issues/getting help. She went around and around with me on this and ended up saying that I was being passive aggressive and that if I was worried/concerned about his actions or lack of actions I should be telling him that. I don't see it this way. I think that as hard as it is for me to say nothing, that's best because that way he's not going to AA or seeking out help "for me" which is how he functions. I feel like the only way his not drinking and eventual (hopefully) getting help for his drinking is going to be really useful is when he decides to do it for himself. My badgering him or even making gentle suggestions seems to me not to be a good idea. In the meantime however it is killing me to say nothing because it is all I am thinking about. I wonder constantly if he's still drinking secretly, I wonder what he's thinking, I desperately wish he'd talk to me about something besides the weather and surface stuff but I don't think it's a good idea for me to fall back into the pattern of playing 20 questions and constantly trying to drag info out of him.

What do you all think? If I'm off and this counselor is right and it's fine and good for me to ask him about all of this, please tell me, but the sense I get is that he needs to take some of these steps on his own first. The counselor's take is that even if I ALWAYS, 100% of the time am the one who asks how things are and he never ever offers info, that's fine. Like I said, I really am not liking her and am not sure she knows what the hell she's talking about. Then again maybe I'm the one who's totally off. Years of being told by my husband that I'm imagining things, overreacting, ridiculous etc... has left me with no faith in my instincts.

07-09-2009, 10:31 AM	#1 (permalink)
rmm Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: NH Posts: 30	Confused about what to do from here My husband is still not drinking, but he's not going to AA or in any way dealing with his alcohol abuse (which he doesn't see as alcoholism). We have been seeing a counselor together for a few weeks who he saw alone for a few months prior. This past week she was grilling me (I really dislike her fyi and she has said straight out that she is not knowledgeable about alcoholism/addiction) about why it is if I'm wondering about how my husband is doing/what he's thinking/how he feels/if he's tempted to drink, why it is I don't just ask him. I tried explaining to her that it seemed to me that it should not be up to me to constantly check in with him and try to force his hand into thinking about his issues/getting help. She went around and around with me on this and ended up saying that I was being passive aggressive and that if I was worried/concerned about his actions or lack of actions I should be telling him that. I don't see it this way. I think that as hard as it is for me to say nothing, that's best because that way he's not going to AA or seeking out help "for me" which is how he functions. I feel like the only way his not drinking and eventual (hopefully) getting help for his drinking is going to be really useful is when he decides to do it for himself. My badgering him or even making gentle suggestions seems to me not to be a good idea. In the meantime however it is killing me to say nothing because it is all I am thinking about. I wonder constantly if he's still drinking secretly, I wonder what he's thinking, I desperately wish he'd talk to me about something besides the weather and surface stuff but I don't think it's a good idea for me to fall back into the pattern of playing 20 questions and constantly trying to drag info out of him. What do you all think? If I'm off and this counselor is right and it's fine and good for me to ask him about all of this, please tell me, but the sense I get is that he needs to take some of these steps on his own first. The counselor's take is that even if I ALWAYS, 100% of the time am the one who asks how things are and he never ever offers info, that's fine. Like I said, I really am not liking her and am not sure she knows what the hell she's talking about. Then again maybe I'm the one who's totally off. Years of being told by my husband that I'm imagining things, overreacting, ridiculous etc... has left me with no faith in my instincts.