| Conflicted
Pardon the cross-forum post but I realized this is probably the place for this (originally posted in Newcomers)
Some of you may know that I haven't had a drink in 6 months, but I have been on narcotics for almost that long. I am an addict. I am addicted to my pain medication (i'm saying this more for my benefit). I developed a pretty good tolerance to them and then didn't have any for 4 days while the rx switched doctors - now, I do have an actual medical reason to take them so I was in hell's basement (pain + withdrawal). RX was written for a much lower dose than I had been taking - which was a good thing and a bad thing. Not enough to control the pain, but less ability to abuse. But I do anyway. My tolerance is heading back up and I'm doing anything I can to try to get high, this doesn't get me 'high' but it must do something to make me WANT it- I hate myself for this- i don't know why I keep trying. I've gone so far as to set up a connection for oxys.
Anyway I met with a new pain clinic today who doesn't trust drunks with pills (good on ya) but would provide me the patch. I left there shaking and almost in tears. I can't go back there, I would get myself in so much trouble the minute I got that patch.
I'm trying not to give in to that possibility. I am in a panic, I feel like I'm spinning out of control.
I need to get off these narcotics! I am scared out of my mind. I'm afraid to talk about it with any of my doctors. I'm afraid of being labeled a junkie, I'm afraid I AM a junkie. I'm afraid that if I stop I will be in agonizing pain (not from the withdrawals, but that chronic pain I have. S***
Shea
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