[tsukiko]

So I had my estranged Mother come stay with me for two weeks.

My mother is in recovery from an eating disorder she’s had over thirty years. So, nearly four years into recovery she was all for talking about ‘the past’.

The visit went well, but at times I felt I was bordering on mania and I lost over 6kg over the fortnight.

The cycles have noticeably intensified and become more rapid. The lows have become more persistent and I’m increasingly feeling near mania the longer I’m clean. Even using I've only ever had one period of remission (neither manic nor depressed) and that lasted six months when I was sixteen. I don't give in to episodes or allow episodes to smother me or those around me, but I don't know how long I can maintain that on my own.

I promised myself a score when she left. Every time she put the kettle on and started talking I took myself to the moment when she’d leave and imagined my score. I feel bad about that, though I haven't used.

Heroin made existence manageable and life impossible. Sobriety makes life possible, but existence seemingly impossible.

I’ve asked for cbt and therapy. The doctor’s solution is lithium or sodium valporate. If I’m gonna’ take drugs again it ain’t gonna’ be antipsychotics and mood stabilisers, I know that much.

I’ve heard people say ‘Avoid major decisions or life changes for the first year of sobriety’ and I’ve heard doctors say ‘[If you are bipolar] avoid stress’. Both seem logical, but wholly unrealistic.

I guess my question is:

Is that the deal? I get to choose whether to be a manic depressive or take drugs for the remainder of my life?