[Newtosoberlivin]

Luciddreamgirl,

I'm so happy that my post helped you and gave you hope. I thought I was a hopeless case for such a long time. I guess I just got sick of torturing my loved ones AND myself with continuing to drink, and wasting all the years of my life doing the same old, same old, with the same horrible results, EVERY SINGLE TIME.

For me, the negatives of my drinking were:

Forgetting important events in my daughter's life (unforgivable)
Being extremely cruel and non-present to my husband and children
Calling my poor mother drunk and rambling on about nothing (God love her)
Doing poor quality work (from home) because I would start drinking while working at my last job (can you imagine that? I'm lucky I still HAD a job after that!)
"Drunk dialing" various friends and family and rambling on incessantly about stupid **** that meant nothing then getting emotional and stupid
Embarrassing my hubby and family by overindulging and making a fool of myself at events
Skipping or altogether forgetting important counseling and psychiatrist appts. because I was too drunk to remember what day and time they were
Not paying bills/procrastinating on them then getting overdrawn at our bank for my procrastination
Not doing a lick of housework, instead sitting at the computer (while unemployed) and going on "youtube" listening to weepy songs, picking out the ones I wanted to be played at my funeral (NUTS!!! But sadly, all too true)
Mixing alcohol with medication that I take for my bipolar condition, in essence, wiping out what the meds are supposed to do for me (correct my chemical balance in my brain, all of them say DO NOT TAKE WITH ALCOHOL, I'm lucky I didn't get rushed to the hospital by mixing them with booze, very lucky)
Viewing life itself as a chore that I needed to get through, waiting to just die so I wouldn't have to deal with it all anymore, never looking forward to a new day or anything really
Drinking while crying and KNOWING I shouldn't be, and crying harder knowing I was past the point of no return, needing help but not at the point where I wanted to admit it to myself
Feeling shame
Feeling remorse
Hating myself
Thinking I was no good to myself or anyone else
Thinking the world would be better off without me, I was just a stupid drunk, what difference would it make if I died? THe world would still turn, life would go on, etc. (the feel sorry for me, the poor drunk mindset, SCARY STUFF!)
Thinking I was a total and complete failure as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, and just in general, why did God put me here anyway?

Positives?

NONE!!!

Unless you call throwing up from drinking too much then continuing to drink a positive

Not eating properly because the booze was more important to me and losing too much weight as a result

Killing too many brain cells to mention

Living in a perpetual "fog", never in reality

Planning my entire day (even errands) around the closest place where I could restock my liquor supply EVERY DAY!

Driving drunk (sometimes with my child in the car!)

Being impossible to reason with or talk to (who can reason with a drunk? Nobody)

Having bathroom "accidents" while sleeping and being woken up by them, having to change sheets at 2 in the morning

Developing irritible bowel syndrome due to lack of food and too much booze

Passing out instead of going to sleep

Startling awake instead of "waking up"

Being defensive and nasty to everyone I came into contact with

Thinking I was always right and "knew what I was doing"

Thinking I stupidly could control my drinking

I could on about the negatives. Everything about my drinking was negative, absolutely everything. And know what? THis is so true, I didn't even LIKE to drink after awhile, I would often gag when I would have yet another beer, my hands would shake, I would run to the bathroom and vomit, yet I didn't think I had a problem? Talk about living in complete denial!!!!! This IS a sickness of the mind, and a major addictive condition. But the good news is that it IS controllable. I think I'm going to print this list above and hang it on my refridgerator as further reinforcement/motivation for living sober.