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Hey lucid,
If you consider the positive side of this, his manipulation of the situation to blame and hurt you is just what you needed to remind you why no contact is the healthy way at this point.
A trick I learned here is to play the scenario all the way through and try to work through the potential outcomes before I take action. If I engage my ABF in an argument because I'm angered by him, I have to think of what my motives could be in it. Would I really accomplish anything, or would I just end up banging my head against a brink wall and end up the bad guy.
Make a plan for the next time you feel the need to contact him. He's your drug of choice and you need an alternative to fill that void. A certain activity. A sponsor you call. A meeting you can go to. A song to listen to that reminds you of why you're here and not with him, whatever it takes.
Next time you give in to temptation and contact him, which you still might do down the road, he may take a completely differet tack with you and beg for forgiveness, talk about his successes in therapy, and lure you back into the drama. An action plan for yourself will keep you out of harms way and from feeling this way in the future.
You are strong, you can do this, have faith in yourself.
My best to you.
Alice
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