[luciddreamrgrl]

I broke my "no contact" pact today. I texted him like an idiot after a really depressing dream I had about him. I don't know whats wrong with me. I just keep telling myself, If I show him that I love him, it will make him realize that he needs help. Grrrrrrr! The buck stops here. NO MORE CONTACT! Even if he contacts me, I will not answer back. I'm making a promise to myself from here on foward that I will move on with my life. I will live for only me and my child. I realize now that I can't change him! I'm going to work the steps now.

Anyways, to make a long story short, he ended up telling me that he went to see a therapist and joined a "support group". He told me that each and everyone one of them, including the therapist, told him that since I left him once, I would leave him again. They all agreed that it was not the right thing for me to do and that I should have supported him through his recovery. He also began telling me that, even if he got help, he could never be with me again because he would always be "waiting for me to find something else I don't like and then just leave again". He said he couldn't live that way.

I feel horrible. Not guilty, just sad that someone would be so cruel. Once again, everything is blamed on me with absolutely no personal responsibility. He knows how much I still love him and miss him and he's totally using it against me. I feel sick that I allowed this to happen by breaking my no contact policy after 4 long days of success.

Again, from this day forward, I swear to not contact him. I will move forward, not backwards. I'm going to buy "codependent no more" tomorrow.