[kv816]

I've read a lot of posts on here recently of letters people have wrote to their A's. The letters consist of "last words" (or that's how I take them). Many responders say that the letter is more for the writer than it is for the A. And I agree. I have wrote many, MANY letters to XABF in the past. He'd read them, respond and almost instantly forget everything that I said. Or he wouldn't even listen to anything anyway, would twist it to make me sound like I was only trying to hurt him.

I answered the phone when he called today. I was feeling strong and confident. He invited us over to his place tomorrow night for fireworks. I told him I would not be there. He said the neighbors had a party planned again. They would build a fire, stand around and drink. And yes, he was going to enjoy him a cold one or two. I said I would not be there. He went back into how I just need to stop expecting the worst just because he's drinking. That we've had plenty of good times while he was drinking and I just need to remember those times. I said I would have no part of it. He said I need to stop trying to change him. I said I was not trying to change him, I was only changing myself. I would not be his little puppet (stole that from someone here--thanks). But I would not his puppet anymore. This was MY life and I was going to have a good time with it. And sitting around watching an A drink a beer, stumble around a bonfire and tell me how bad I am was not my idea of a time. I said I would not be there. He tried all he could to get me to accept his drinking and want to be a part of it. I finally told him okay, I accept that you are a drinker. He sighed, said good, thank you, what time will you be here tomorrow? I said I accept it. But I will not be a part of it. I will not be there. He hung up on me.

I'm full of anger right now. And I've tried to write my own "final thoughts" letter to him. I've started a few now. I've thrown them all away. I get into it, I say what I feel. But after a few lines I realize that I really just don't care! I don't want to put anymore effort into telling him how I feel or what I think!! I WILL NOT BE A PART OF IT is about as blunt, straight forward, to the point as I can make it! If he won't accept something as simple as that, then why do I want to even go into further detail with how I feel??

But I'm wondering if it would help me? I'm not talking about a long, drawn out, sappy letter. Just something that says I want this in my life, you couldn't offer it. I want this kind of man, it is not you. I want to feel this, you can't make me feel that. I don't want to feel like this, you made me feel like that. So on and so forth.

So I guess I'm just wondering if the "last words" help? Will I feel better after I get out everything that's been weighing on my mind? Even if he never reads it, would taking that one last effort into expressing what I've hid for so long help me get rid of some of the anger I have for him?