[kj3880]

I'm asked to "keep the doors open" tomorrow, the 4th of July, at that home group that my sponsor made me promise to quit (it is causing me too much stress and is bad for me, she thinks). I tried to quit it this week, but the other two home group members, S and C, told me that they are going together to watch fireworks so they need me to keep the doors open on the 4th.

I never secretaried any meetings before, and I don't really know how I"ll do, and I'm flying solo my first time out. I just feel nervous about it, and I don't do well speaking at meetings.

C and S were talking at a meeting last night about how I am going to be a joke at being secretary on the 4th "if she gets through it at all" because "KJ can't talk without stuttering and mumbling." They were at my anniversary, which I stuttered and mumbled my way through.

I don't even know if they got a speaker to do the meeting, and S, (treasurer and speaker-seeker) hasn't returned my call about that, so I guess that she didn't. I think it might be their resentful way to set me up to fail, since I refused to buy more supplies from Area Service this week out of my own pocket because S once again didn't bring the money to the meeting to give me. Or maybe I'm paranoid. I don't know. I'm disgusted at myself. Why do I even care if I stutter and mumble?. It shouldn't be a concern as long as people can understand me. It's my fault, as I should have quit when I wanted to last week instead of accepting the assignment of secretarying this meeting tomorrow.

I can only hope I'll find a way to stop people-pleasing all the time. Then my level of resentments will decrease and maybe I'll be able to focus on some of my other defects. I feel defective today.

KJ