jerect, I'm not sure how to fix myself without losing this idea I have of having her as the mom I miss in my life. I know fixing myself means losing her. I know that. But this is all I've known my whole life. Who am I if not her protector/caregiver/tormentor? And who am I without my righteous anger to comfort me everytime I'm disappointed?
But I know you're correct and I know it's better for me and I also know it will make my husband and children happier and healthier people. I have to choose whether to be my mother's daughter first or a member of the family I've built up with my husband. I can't be both anymore.
outtolunch, Well... oi.... that was tough.
I want to blame my mother for everything because it IS her fault. I'm sure I'll eventually learn that's not how it is, but right now it's all I can see. I know when she was in jail I was a really happy person. I spent time with my kids and husband and my whole outlook on life changed.
Then she came back. I don't think getting away from her means as much if she's taken away from me as opposed to me walking away from her. I know how to live without her in my life, but I don't know how to make the decision to get her out of my life. Like I said to jerect, maybe the whole working on myself thing is where to start, because if I do that, eventually she won't be my whole world anymore. I honestly have no idea. I'm just really confused and NO way seems to be up anymore.
I did go to therapy and tried to work on it with this one guy who was also seeing mom. He constantly told me how to be my mom's support through her recovery and how it was a disease and to forgive her because my anger was just another stress for her. Then he showed up at my WEDDING because mom invited him. Her bf at the time couldn't fly in for the wedding and she stood in my receiving line next to me and told the therapist how depressed she was... at my WEDDING!
So, I did go to another therapist with my husband when we were dealing with some pretty rough stuff and the first therapist ended up sending me into a panicked nightmare with his "advice." The second guy was cool, but he moved and I'm nowhere near ready to trust someone else after that other mess.
Do I need therapy? Sure. But I'm terrified of it.