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I really don't have any advice for you but I will tell you what has worked for me..
I turned the focus on myself and off of my addict.. it has made a world of a difference.
I know you said that you went to alanon and hated it but consider giving it another shot, maybe try to find a different meeting and finding a different prespective.. I did not like alanon at first.. in fact I was so angry that I had to go because I was not the one with the problem my husband was.. but after attending for awhile and working the steps I realized that yes indeed I was part of the problem.. and while I coulden't fix or change my AH I could fix and change myself and thats what I'm doing..
I'm sorry you are in such turmoil.. like I said I don't really have a lot of advice but maybe someone else on here will..
good luck.
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