and I grabbed my daughter at 11 o'clock at night, when I had absolutely NO right to be on the road behind the wheel of a car, drove to my parents house, and gave the usual "sob" story about how he doesn't understand me, blah blah blah. Y'know what I mean, the "life sucks, I want out, I'm divorcing him" etc. bs. All of this because I went on a pretty bad binge and was acting like a total and complete fool, per usual.
After not too much sleep, seeing my dad across the kitchen table with tears in his eyes, and my mom up half the night talking to me (along with my husband calling all worried sick about me and my daughter, wondering if we were okay), all I could feel was sick to my stomach. i had really done it, AGAIN. How many times could I keep repeating the same behavior over and over and over again? How many times would my husband tolerate before walking away and telling ME "I can't take anymore?" And if he did, how could I blame him?
So I just stopped. Period. Stone cold stopped, because that life was what sucked, not who I married, not who was in it, not anything but my own actions. And how many times was I going to foolishly drive drunk, not to mention with my 9 year old child in the car with me? What if I HAD been pulled over by the police? I certainly wouldn't have my daughter in my custody today, she would have been rightly taken away from me, while I was arrested for DUI and hauled off to jail, also rightly. What a fool I had been all those years, wasting time and my entire life for one stupid thing that didn't even make me happy. Getting drunk. It ruined everything. It turned me into a monster, a horrible, neglectful, and nasty wife, who put down my husband as a man, as a father and as a person but would never remember what I had spat at him the next day, a lousy mother who had "forgotten" important things my daughter had at school, like a mother/daughter tea (she was the only girl in her class whose mother didn't show, where was dear mother? Getting drunk at home!), didn't remember to send her to school properly dressed for her "athletics day", wherein she had to sit on the sidelines by herself and couldn't participate, skipped several PTA meetings in fear that her teachers would know I was drunk and report me, and just wasn't "there" for her in nearly the way I should have been. That's the hardest part for me. I can never make up those times, but she will never forget them for the rest of her life.
Two days later, I attended an AA meeting, got my 24 hour coin, and haven't looked back since. I am now 22 days sober and can't imagine living life any other way. Life is so different now.
I am the wife, mother and stepmom that I have always wanted to be and knew that I could be. I am learning new things about myself, and working out the emotional stuff that caused me to turn to that poison in the first place, so many years ago (I started drinking VERY early on, stealing wine from my parent's bar at home, and replacing what was missing with water, mom doesn't drink at all and dad only socially). I still have the rest of my life to keep working on me, but it is SO worth it to do so. My family deserves it, my children deserve it, and know what? I deserve it! I have so much to offer to so many, it would be just stupid to throw that away and continue to live in a perpetual fog. Why? For what? I don't miss one second of that old life, truly.
I love waking up with a clear head, looking forward to my first cup of coffee every day, enjoying it while watching the morning new with my husband and chatting with him before we start our day. I enjoy when my daughter wakes up rubbing her eyes and hugs me everyday, I love looking out our living room window and actually stopping to enjoy and take in the sight when a duck lands on our dock on the lake. Or when I spot a bluejay or a woodpecker in the tree directly outside the computer desk window. I never stopped to appreciate any of these things before. I was too busy planning out how booze would dictate how my day went and how soon everyone would leave so I could open and drink that first one of the day (which seemed to never end, I was up to 12-15 beers a DAY at the end, sometimes more than that, and some days it was that much, and shots of vodka in orange juice on TOP of that!). What amazes me when I look back, is that I would actually talk on the phone to people while drinking like this!!!! Thank GOD it wasn't while I was working (I was unemployed when it had gotten this bad).
Today I look forward to every new day, its challenges, triumphs, joy and the fact that God has given me this second chance at a new and better, more fulfilling life! So much better and happier, and yes, FULLER than I could have imagined!!!
Finding all of you was like a complete and total "gravy" on my potatos!!! I love these boards, and visit them often!!! Praying is a new part of my life, sometimes I don't do the "traditional" praying, but may just sit quietly and watch the sun over the lake, or take in nature, or just silently meditate on how great it is to finally be sober and revel in all of life's possibilities! Sobriety is the best! But I am also careful to not get too "cocky" about it either, for that is what gets too many into trouble early on and I am all too aware of it. So I try to be humble, grateful but aware of how fragile things can still be, so I come on here a LOT to remind myself that I am not alone, we are all in this together, and that life sober is a gift, one that I will do everything in my power to hold onto!!! Thanks for letting me share my story.
