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Honey, I'm so sorry to hear that you're still struggling with your eating disorder. Like Chama, I, too, substituted alcohol and then drugs for my eating disorder, after first substituting a different eating disorder to avoid detection by my family and team of doctors.
You can learn to love yourself and stand up for yourself, and to do the right thing, despite the many obstacles that will present themselves. When I suffered from Anorexia, I was unaware of the fact that I was trying to cope with an ever-increasingly uncertain future. I'd just left middle school to go to high school and I both wanted so desperately to be independent, yet was terrified of having to take care of myself. All at once. It was so confusing.
Like I said, I was hardly aware of any of these fears. They were like undercurrents to my thoughts more than anything else.
It scares me now to think of how I nearly killed myself at age 14 by starving and exercising my way down to practically nothing but bones. Sick! I feel sympathy for MYSELF now. I don't need others' sympathy. I, myself, feel compassion for me.
It's been a long road to get to where I am today. It has not been easy.
What are you doing as far as spirituality is concerned? Are you taking trips into nature? Reading philosophy?
Anything that you can do to feed your mind and soul is good. Until we nourish our minds, we will not choose to nourish our bodies.
My heart goes out to you and I wish you the very best.
Love,
Sugar
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