[SpeedyJason]

This week is really gonna hit hard I think...it's father's day today and I can't help but feel down because my dad's gone... The last father's day I had with him he was high on heroin and the card I had given him that was once on the table was in the trash. Funny how it all changes around once they die, you find out you really did love them, believe it or not. This is one of "the firsts" and in another 4 days my dad will have been gone for 4 months. Then July 2nd is his birthday.. he would have been 42. Whatever's up there, God or something else, is really piling it on. I just feel empty today...hollow . I miss him a lot and I know my little sister is suffering too and I don't like it. I spent a lot more time with him than she has (7 more years) and I feel like she missed a lot but then again, I'm not sure she really has. When he was clean for the few months during the 2 years only I lived with him, he didn't really talk much, didn't say anything more than a greeting maybe. He didn't really seem happy either when I lived with him.. ever. I guess she missed alot of the "bad" stuff. Cops, overdoses, the nights when you think that 'this is it, he's not gonna live through this one'. And then he finally didn't live through it...he fell asleep and "forgot" to breathe from the effects of heroin, as the doctor so gently put it...

I know this is a negative post and father's day isn't really meant for this, it's meant for honoring them and cherishing them but I can't really look at it like that today. I'm too depressed to; I miss him too much and have grieved too little.. I've never really "grieved" over anything or anybody and some of the thoughts that run through my head are crazy. It's like my brain is having a massive panic attack but on the outside I'm just fine. I just want to stop thinking about it but I know that'll never happen, especially not this week. He's always there at the back of my mind, everyday but I still can't just accept it, throw away the pain of it..

I hope the rest of you have a pleasant father's day :ghug2