[Cleansing]

I've been diagnosed with Major depression disorder in December 2005, In April 2006, I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder type 2. In 2007, I was diagnosed as major depressive with psychotic features. Since August 2008 I've been schizophrenic. This latest diagnosis happened while i was in the psych ward. They evaluated my history and I had two violent incidents while in the psych ward, so they figured I was either schizophrenic or schizoaffective. Next thing i know, I'm out the hospital, and in a day treatment program, and my diagnosis is schizophrenia.

I still don't believe it though. I feel like i'm misdiagnosed.

My understanding of it is that there is a split in the mind. Your full brain is not working together. Sometimes you can't connect what you're feeling with what you're thinking to how you're behaving.
Of course psychosis is a big part of it. You see things, hear things, become delusional (might think there are alien watching you while you shower stuff like that).


Now, I often get suicidal, and can get very angry. In the past, I used to have these outburst in public (try to break the subway train's glass windows, throw garbage cans around, throw my belongings, scream invectives at the top of my lungs), and these outburst would come out of no where. that coupled with teh depression had this one doctor say I was bi-polar type 2.

But then I started seeing white figures walking around, and they later turned into black figures. In the past I have heard voices (maybe three times max). But I figured that was all alcohol/drug induced, coupled with being bi-polar.

But basically the doctor at the psych ward said because I get these grandiose ideas of homicide (think Virginia Tech Massacre 2) and suicide (trying to catch HIV on purpose) and because i've had these outburst, and use drugs/alcohol, and because I have seen and heard things in the past, i am schizophrenic. I admit, I sometimes feel delusional and get these crazy ideas, but i never act on them. They don't make me feel a certain way. It's just my head thinking crazy stuff.

- It almost doesn't even matter what my diagnosis is. Seems like im being treated for both bipolar nd schizophrenia.

- I do have depression so im taking two antidepressants (Lexapro and Wellbutrin XL).
- I'm taking a mood stabilizer, Lithium (usually used for bi-polar folk)
I'm on two anti-psychotics, Zyprexa and Geodon (usually for psychosis)
and I'm on Valium (anxiety, not sure if I really need this), Campral (alcohol addiction)


I'm on a lot of meds. And for the most part I'm stable. I just get a lil down sometimes. But I still get these grandiose ideas about drug use, like how I'm gonna go a week straight smoking crack with the fellas in Harlem and have sex with them all night, chill with them all day, then do it all over again, or switch it up and mayeb a few days go do some Crystal meth with the other crowd, have sex with them. Do it all aghain, until Im burnt out and the wek is doen. Like those kind of thoughts still come to my head.

I'm 39 days clean by the way. So I stop those drug thoughts immediately. But there just seems to be something wrong with me right? Like to even entertain the fact of going out there for a whole week?