[Threshold]

How am I dealing with recent trauma...or NOT dealing as the case may be. I'm trying to "get clean and sober"...my issue is that I am addicted to my own body chemistry, rather than outside substances. I get a "rush", and sometimes a near high from certain behaviors. Some of these behaviors are inappropriate, yet I turn to them for the "high" I get.

When trauma strikes, these "highs" are a way to distance myself from the pain.
I also feel a tremendous lack of control in my life right now, and starving myself cons me into thinking I have control. Plus, it gives me lots of positive feedback from others, admiration at my self discipline, and thus another sort of "high"...

So, I am neither clean nor sober, because I just found another way to "get off" on myself, another inappropriate way. And...well, I have other temptations that I had given up using, but have fallen off the wagon there as well.

I sorta felt like sobriety sucked. Like I had to vigilant to not allow myself any pleasure, because once it started, it was hard for me to not go further, to increase the hit.

And once I start "using"...I can get out of control pretty quickly, and it's so much damn fun, I don't want to stop.

At the same time, I am making some efforts to stick with this..or at least to address some underlying issues, so maybe I can figure my way out of this addiction. I've been journaling, using a guided book, to take a deeper look at how I am operating right now. It's helped me be honest about some things, helped me clarify the issues behind my "using"...but so far, hasn't actually stopped me from using.

I find the whole body chemistry thing to be very tricky. I can't go cold turkey from life. I can avoid certain situations that I KNOW will set me off, but there are lots of situations that creep up on me, caused by outside influences, that blindside me.

For instance, my husband, in a genuinely giving spirit, purchased me tickets to a rock concert. Now, I can totally bliss out on music, and a live rock concert REALLY gets my juice flowing.

I'd been really working on my sobriety for a couple months...then bang, I go to the concert and am amply reminded how great that 'high" feels. And I just want to keep it flowing. And sure enough, this week, I'm out of control, all over the place, high on myself again, acting out.

The anorexia gives me the illusion, and delusion of control in at least one area of my life.

I recently spent a week in a psych ward and two in intense out patient...and I haven't cut since the day i went into the hospital. But now I don't eat, and my psych has not said a work to me about losing twenty pounds in two months.

being thin, lets me wear the latest fashions, I show off my figure, guys flirt, that gives me a thrill, I flirt back...and the cycle soon spins out of control, but it's so much fun...what's my motivation to stop?

I can't control the gifts others give me, the compliments they send my way, and I am so weak when it comes to those things. I just crave more and more.


arghhh