[Bamboozle]

I feel like sh!t.


Nothing changes...and I cannot change who I am.


Alcohol was never the problem...I only used it to dull the pain.

All the problems I had before are still with me.

I've never liked who I am...I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't fit in anywhere. I'm an outcast. And a loner. I'm the kind of loner who admits that the reason I am a loner is not because I really enjoy being alone, but because I don't know how to interact with people.

I'm awkward. I always have been. I don't like the sound of my voice. I don't like the way that I walk. I don't like the way that I look. I feel like the pieces that make me up don't fit together. Maybe I should have been born male. Even if I had I probably still wouldn't fit in anywhere. I don't know what to do. And I cannot possibly sugar-coat things. I was never good at lying to myself.


So this leaves me miserable.

I don't like life.

I don't like my life.

I don't have the tools in the box to fix this.

I'm not sure the tools exist to fix what's wrong.


Again, for the umpteenth time, what the f*ck is the point?

How long must this go on?


There's no mystery to life. There's no excitement anymore. There's noting to look forward to.


Yet again, I'm only going through the motions of getting help because everyone thinks I should. Everyone else thinks I shouldn't give up.


Perhaps I'm just mentally wired to be this way and that's why there is no relief.