[spiker]

Right now I am struggling to make it to the end of the work day. Why am I struggling? I went out last night with a friend and swore I wasn’t going to have more than a few beers. A few beers turned into several. By the time I got home, I was past the point of caring. I went to the corner gas station and bought a six pack. I nestled in to watch music videos on YouTube. I was having a grand ole time, until I ran out of beer. I went back to get more beer. But I went to another gas station because I didn’t want to be embarrassed for buying beer again. I never smoke when I am sober. But beer brings out the smoker in me, so I had to buy cigarettes as well with the beer. Back to the music videos and guzzling beer. What a grand time I was having.
I didn’t finish the second six pack, not quite. I drank 3 or 4 I believe. I am not sure how many beers I had when I was out, but I think the total (being at the bar and at home) comes to 15 or 16 beers.
Sounds like a typical night for a beer drinker?
Not quite. Sometime in the morning, after the sun was shining brightly. I decided to call into work. I had no choice really; I couldn’t go to work like that. I was supposed to have worked from 10 a.m. to 9 p.m.
I arrived at work around 4 p.m.
Here I sit, shaking and sweating and feeling like I will vomit. I took my Aleve and my B-Complex, guzzling water...all the usual hangover remedies.
I did this last Friday as well. I am being completely irresponsible about my job. I am getting laid off in a few weeks, so my attitude has gotten really bad about whether I come to work or not. But I need to not get fired, or I won’t get my severance package.
I have acknowledged that once I start drinking, I don’t know when to stop.
I found out that during my party at home, I wrote an insulting email to a previous lover who pretty much left me for a sugar daddy. After that, I tale-spinned back into drinking. The 2 years we were together, I was sober. Except for the occasional social drinking, which I handled normally.
When I drink, my filter turns off. I can say whatever is on my mind, and sometimes throw in the truth about things, even when it is hurtful to others. This has cost me several friends and the occasional argument with family member (to which I later asked forgiveness).
I am not a total monster. When I am sober, I am shy and polite. I think most would be shocked to see me in the cups.
I am 37 years old.
This drinking thing has been going on since I was 20 or 21 years old. It got really bad in my mid twenties. There are time periods and years that I don’t even remember. A big blur. There were a few years of sobriety here and there. When I was happy with a partner. But once it ends, I am back to the party animal.
In the past, I went through two years of supplementing my drinking with coke or meth. This was courtesy of the boyfriend at that time.
Luckily, I was able to walk away from the speed and the boyfriend.
But I never really got away from the booze. I did manage to stop drinking hard stuff, like whiskey and only drink beer. I simply cannot handle a liquor hangover anymore is really the reason for that.
In 15 years, I had three drunk driving convictions. It has been 7 years since my last one.
I am in a new town to escape the damage I did to my reputation in the old town. Only to be sliding back down the same path. I know where the drugs are now if I wanted them. But, I have managed to stay away from those bars. Now, today I declare myself back on the wagon, and have asked my drinking buddy not to ask me to party.
I think a lot of this cycle has to do with living alone. I get a lot of attention and phone numbers when I go out. Sometimes, too much attention. I guess I like that and it keeps me going back.

So, here I am at 37, typing my story on a board full of strangers. I have been more honest here than I ever have I believe. I guess the anonymity helps. At 37, I have lost almost 2 decades of my life to drinking. I am coming around I believe. At least I am admitting the trouble now.