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The only thing I know about anything is that going back to using isn't the answer. You're dealing with life, and sometimes it hurts. The more you let yourself feel this stuff i.e. fear, sadness the more you will heal. If you don't have a counsellor or therapist I would suggest getting one so you have someone to talk to about this stuff.
I understand the pain you are in and the need to numb out - but it ain't worth it. You've come far - don't go throwing it all away.
Hang in there.
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