[AMEC04]

This may end up a long post. Ive been reading up on bipolar and other mental disorders and I cant seem to get a grasp on them. I dont really know where to start so Im just going to write some things about myself and some symptoms I believe I have...

I am 29 years old and single. I grew up in a good christian home and I consider myself a christian to this day. I believe in god and the bible and was active in church until I turned 18, since I rarely attend. I have two loving parents and 3 younger brothers who love me. I was drug/alcohol free but I began using pot/alcohol at 19 and still use pot to this day. I dont drink or do any other drugs any more and havent for 3 years+. At 20 I heavily used extasy for about a year or so then graduated to cocaine and presciption pills for the next year or two. Then I got into the heroin and struggled with that for 3 years and eventually gave up on college. After kicking that habit for good 3 or so years ago I just got a regular job and have been working it ever since.

Some of my symptoms that concern me...

1. My temper (anger issues)- I am very very very moody. I get frustrated easily and when I do it seems every single solitairy thing in my life goes wrong no matter how small. Like the other day at work my machine wasnt running right and I was getting very mad. Then I bend over to pick up a tool and I missed it with my first snag. This just set me off and I picked up the hammer and threw it against the wall. I must note that Ive never harmed anyone or myself. But after I throw the hammer, I was completely back to normal, not mad at all. Then a few minutes later something else happened and my blood just started to boil. My mood is very very very swingy. Afterwards I feel embarassed for my behavior but when the situation comes up again it seems I get mad and throw/smash something out of impulse.

It seems my temper goes in cycles and I just noticed this recently. Ill be fine for a month or two and then Ill go through a week or two stretch where I just snap at every little thing that goes wrong. I smash things a lot. I basically destroyed my parents basement before I bought my own house two months ago.

2. I dont really have anyone in my life that I am close with. My whole life I have found it extremely difficult to express my true feelings to anyone. This drives my parents crazy bc they care about me so much and they want to help me so much but for whatever reason I cant open up to them or anyon eelse for that matter.

3. I make a lot of lists/plans for my life, but I never follow through with them ever, ever, ever. I say I will start excersing but I never do. I say I will start eating better but I never do. I play poker as my main hobby and Ive made a good amount of money playing over the last 7 years but for whatever reason I tend to blow all my winnings in a short period of time. I know I am doing it at the time but I just cant stop for whatever reason.

4. I have always been terrible with money. I cant save money or manage my money at all. I just seem to spend whatever I have and I dont think anything of it until my bills come up and I cant pay them (I always find a way to pay them but it is really stressful). Recently since purchasing a home, I have gotten better with this but I worry about falling back into my old ways.

5. it seems that I am always telling people what I think they want to hear instead of my true feelings.

6. I am alone a lot. I feel very uncomfortable around a lot of people I dont know. Ive kind of always been this way. I just dont like meeting new people, I feel uncomfortable around them and have a hard time conversating wit them, even with old friends I grew up with that maybe I havent seen in a few years.

7. I think I suffer from deperession, my parents have told me this, btu I just dont know what depression feels like so I dont know.

8. I often have many thoughts and ideas run thru my head at times and I end up not following thru with any of them.

9. Alot of times I feel overwhelmed even if the tasks at hands arent that big.

10. I am very self conscious.

11. I am definately emotionally unstable.

12. I find it hard to concentrate on one thing for a significant portion of time.

I dont know if any of this even makes sense. I know I need to see a doctor but any insite here would be greatly appreciated. My life isnt falling apart or anything, but I something just isnt right and Ive felt this way since I was a kid. I just feel that something is wrong with me. Maybe it is depression or maybe its a personality disorder or some sort of bi polar disease.

thanks for any responses