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1dayatatime · 05-26-2009, 10:16 AM

This is terribly long...

Hello everyone

. I used to come to these boards a few years ago in helping me to understand and cope with my Addict Husbund. Through these boards I found I too was sick and codependant myself. Since then I found my own recovery and found myself and learned tolerance, compassion, and realize my husbund was very sick. That he was sick and needed help to get well not bad needing to be good. Long story short, after 20 years of trying everything that didn't work, I found the tools I needed to understand and cope with my life. I realized my own defects of character and changed them or atleast working on them, through my own recovery my husbund has found or is working on sobriety. He struggles every day but I no longer try to sabotage him and allow him the space he needs to get better, as well as I also do not allow his days become mine and I tend to my own buisness and get through my days.

I am back but not because of my husband. But because my sister has been diagnosed as bipolar. Just being around her triggers my codependancy and causes me to end up in bad shape mentally trying to understand her.

She is a very intelligant person, beautiful, witty, and years ago was always the fun one in the family. She has a career that she spent many years in college to become. But recently has been unable to work because of her condition after a suicide attempt that left her almost dead and this is when they diagnosed her bipolar. She had been treated for about 4 years for depression and they realized this only actually made her worse.

The whole family always knew she was different, and knew something was wrong, but she lived away and we only seen her a couple times a year. But we got the dreaded phone calls from time to time and she usually was drinking or drunk during these calls. So we all assumed she was an alcoholic and blamed the ranting and poor pitiful me phone calls on her drinking.

The phone calls came late at night, usually 3 in the morning, with her saying how her life sucked, how her husbund was an Ahole, and how someone at work was out to get her and ruin her reputation, or her friends were all conspiring against her and were talking about her behind her back. For fear she would kill herself, many times we either made the trip to get to her to let her know we cared or sat on the phone for hours listening and letting her know we cared. Then there were atleast 6 or 7 calls of telling how she already took a bunch of pills and she was just calling giving her words of her last will and testament. beings she lived too far away to get to her, a 911 call was made and ambulance sent to her house. 2 of those times she actually did take the pills and her life was saved, the other times she just was saying this in a drunken state and I am unsure of why she made such calls except at the time because she was drunk and on a self pity trip. BUT everytime the 911 calls were made the next day she called and went bezerk saying how she could lose her liscence and lose her job. How awful a sister i was that i called 911 to save her life because of her career choice could be in jeapordy. I soon realized something was very wrong beyond her drinking.

She recently has moved back to where the fam lives. And if I thought there was something terribly wrong long distance, I found I almost am unable to tolerate her close by. Before moving back, she was diagnosed bipolar not depressed, and no longer works as she is unable to do her job without having what I call episodes.

When she first moved back, I ran to every call as she was close to be able to. No matter the time of night, no matter what I had to do the next day. I was putting everything on hold, because I love her and want her to know it. This is where my codependancy gets me in trouble and causes me to get the water faucet effect in my brain. You know the unable to stop thinking of ways to help. Am I being a good enough sister, am I saying the right things to help get her through and want to live. And because if you **** her off and don't say the right things, she becomes vengefull and starts chaos in the fam telling lies or half truths about you to start **** to try and have everyone mad at you.

I am here because I wanted to ask questions to anyone willing to answer that has bipolar. And also to try and understand her before i become to hate her and get to the point I don't care if she kills herself which I am almost there.

1. when she is being suspicious and mean about something she has conjoured up in her head, do I allow her to keep ranting? I usually these days try to say things in a way to help her understand it isn't as she thinks. This just leaves her pissed at me saying I don't understand. And she says things like, "It doesn't matter, I am no count, no one cares" then she becomes quiet and sorta sarcastic towards anything I say. She usually either crys and leaves or starts saying mean bitter things about me or my past. My past meaning years ago when I would rant and go on and on about my AH.

2. She knows she is sick and uses the "Bipolar" label to excuse her bad behaviour. She says really mean and hurtfull things, things that just don't need to be said, causing chaos in the fam. The next day she is over it, and says to everyone she is bipolar and she can't help it. Do we jump back and say what we feel? Mostly we let her rant and try to calm her down, overlook it and move on. But it is or seems to be getting worse with her outrages. And who ever is in her path during what we think is an episode gets her wrath. She says she can't help it, she blurts out or hollars, "IM BIPOLAR G**D D** IT!", is this true?

3. when she calls after being up for 2-3 days and no sleep and realize she is drinking not taking her meds, do we stand firm in not allowing her to wollar in self pity? When is it OK to be a sister and listen as everyone needs someone they can rant and rave to? I have been just asking her, "are you drinking" she sometimes admits it and I say, "do you think thats wise, and you know this isn't helping". She will reply usually she is sorry to bother me and hang up. I used to call her back and then proceed to listen to the same story of how rotten her life is etc. But I find it puts me in a state of mind for days to recover.

3. She is at odds with someone always. Usually rationall thinking can help one realize it isn't as it seems. She can not process this rationally. She goes bezerk and if it aint me today it is someone tomorrow. There is always someone close to her causing her to be in a mood. Something someone said. No matter how small it is, she blows it out of proportion. It becomes as if she is obsessed, stuck on stupid. You can't get her to talk about nothing else. No matter how many attempts to change the subject she goes right back to it, saying the same thing over and over, repeating it everytime as if it is the first time she said it. Outside of listening to it over and over, what can I say to help calm her down?

Does biploar make you a mean and vengefull person or is this just her character? My son in law has been diagnosed bipolar and he is just as sweet as can be. He withdraws and gets quiet at times. Has his days he doesn't want to have any contact with anyone or want to leave the house. He has episodes where he can't sleep and stays up for days. Goes thru a happy euphoric and unable to stop talking times. But I have never seen him have outbursts of hatred for no reason. Him and my daughter live with me so i see his moods and see the symptoms but haven't noticed the poor pitiful me episodes my sister displays. He actually worries and doesn't want to bother anyone with his moods.

Also my sister puts on real thick guilt on the fam. She brings up every episode she needed help and how this one or that one didn't care and didn't come to her rescue. Or if we did, we didn't do it properly. Is this typical bipolar behaviour?

I am trying not to hate her and do not want to shut her out of my life simply because i don't understand. But at the same time I can't keep allowing her to say and do the hurtful and mean things she does. It is getting harder and harder to overlook her outburst and to listen to her poor pitiful me phone calls that drag on for hours. I am afraid to not listen because if she kills herself i would feel responsible, simply because i chose to not listen and let her go on and on. And during some of these calls she will bring up something I said or did that made her miserable, even if that was 10 years ago.

I also want to say outside of her bad days, she is quite wonderful. She can be a great pleasure to be around. She is very smart and has taught me many things. I have read everything online I can find about bipolar and nothing explains how to deal with someone with bipolar when she is being rude, vengeful, way of thinking.

Any insight of someone dealing with bipolar would be more than appreciated. I want her in my life and i love her dearly. But I have to ask is bipolar mean she will always be selfish and self centered? Every event becomes a "Not about her day and she is gonna see to it, it is". Is this fair to keep allowing her to be the center of attention? Can she help it at all? Can she refrain from saying rude and obnoxious things?

There are 5 girls and 1 outside of myself has become to hate her. Almost can't even tolerate her for more than a small amount of time. Looks at her with eyes of total direspect and shows facial expressions everything my sister says like she wants to puke. I do not want to go there and do not want to get this way with my sister. I know she is sick but I am reaching out to understand.

Thank you for listening to such a loooong and drawn out post. And I hope this is the right place to post this, if not direct me to where it should be.

05-26-2009, 10:16 AM	#1 (permalink)
1dayatatime member Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: here Posts: 29	Help! Needing to understand bipolar This is terribly long... Hello everyone . I used to come to these boards a few years ago in helping me to understand and cope with my Addict Husbund. Through these boards I found I too was sick and codependant myself. Since then I found my own recovery and found myself and learned tolerance, compassion, and realize my husbund was very sick. That he was sick and needed help to get well not bad needing to be good. Long story short, after 20 years of trying everything that didn't work, I found the tools I needed to understand and cope with my life. I realized my own defects of character and changed them or atleast working on them, through my own recovery my husbund has found or is working on sobriety. He struggles every day but I no longer try to sabotage him and allow him the space he needs to get better, as well as I also do not allow his days become mine and I tend to my own buisness and get through my days. I am back but not because of my husband. But because my sister has been diagnosed as bipolar. Just being around her triggers my codependancy and causes me to end up in bad shape mentally trying to understand her. She is a very intelligant person, beautiful, witty, and years ago was always the fun one in the family. She has a career that she spent many years in college to become. But recently has been unable to work because of her condition after a suicide attempt that left her almost dead and this is when they diagnosed her bipolar. She had been treated for about 4 years for depression and they realized this only actually made her worse. The whole family always knew she was different, and knew something was wrong, but she lived away and we only seen her a couple times a year. But we got the dreaded phone calls from time to time and she usually was drinking or drunk during these calls. So we all assumed she was an alcoholic and blamed the ranting and poor pitiful me phone calls on her drinking. The phone calls came late at night, usually 3 in the morning, with her saying how her life sucked, how her husbund was an Ahole, and how someone at work was out to get her and ruin her reputation, or her friends were all conspiring against her and were talking about her behind her back. For fear she would kill herself, many times we either made the trip to get to her to let her know we cared or sat on the phone for hours listening and letting her know we cared. Then there were atleast 6 or 7 calls of telling how she already took a bunch of pills and she was just calling giving her words of her last will and testament. beings she lived too far away to get to her, a 911 call was made and ambulance sent to her house. 2 of those times she actually did take the pills and her life was saved, the other times she just was saying this in a drunken state and I am unsure of why she made such calls except at the time because she was drunk and on a self pity trip. BUT everytime the 911 calls were made the next day she called and went bezerk saying how she could lose her liscence and lose her job. How awful a sister i was that i called 911 to save her life because of her career choice could be in jeapordy. I soon realized something was very wrong beyond her drinking. She recently has moved back to where the fam lives. And if I thought there was something terribly wrong long distance, I found I almost am unable to tolerate her close by. Before moving back, she was diagnosed bipolar not depressed, and no longer works as she is unable to do her job without having what I call episodes. When she first moved back, I ran to every call as she was close to be able to. No matter the time of night, no matter what I had to do the next day. I was putting everything on hold, because I love her and want her to know it. This is where my codependancy gets me in trouble and causes me to get the water faucet effect in my brain. You know the unable to stop thinking of ways to help. Am I being a good enough sister, am I saying the right things to help get her through and want to live. And because if you ** her off and don't say the right things, she becomes vengefull and starts chaos in the fam telling lies or half truths about you to start to try and have everyone mad at you. I am here because I wanted to ask questions to anyone willing to answer that has bipolar. And also to try and understand her before i become to hate her and get to the point I don't care if she kills herself which I am almost there. 1. when she is being suspicious and mean about something she has conjoured up in her head, do I allow her to keep ranting? I usually these days try to say things in a way to help her understand it isn't as she thinks. This just leaves her pissed at me saying I don't understand. And she says things like, "It doesn't matter, I am no count, no one cares" then she becomes quiet and sorta sarcastic towards anything I say. She usually either crys and leaves or starts saying mean bitter things about me or my past. My past meaning years ago when I would rant and go on and on about my AH. 2. She knows she is sick and uses the "Bipolar" label to excuse her bad behaviour. She says really mean and hurtfull things, things that just don't need to be said, causing chaos in the fam. The next day she is over it, and says to everyone she is bipolar and she can't help it. Do we jump back and say what we feel? Mostly we let her rant and try to calm her down, overlook it and move on. But it is or seems to be getting worse with her outrages. And who ever is in her path during what we think is an episode gets her wrath. She says she can't help it, she blurts out or hollars, "IM BIPOLAR GD D** IT!", is this true? 3. when she calls after being up for 2-3 days and no sleep and realize she is drinking not taking her meds, do we stand firm in not allowing her to wollar in self pity? When is it OK to be a sister and listen as everyone needs someone they can rant and rave to? I have been just asking her, "are you drinking" she sometimes admits it and I say, "do you think thats wise, and you know this isn't helping". She will reply usually she is sorry to bother me and hang up. I used to call her back and then proceed to listen to the same story of how rotten her life is etc. But I find it puts me in a state of mind for days to recover. 3. She is at odds with someone always. Usually rationall thinking can help one realize it isn't as it seems. She can not process this rationally. She goes bezerk and if it aint me today it is someone tomorrow. There is always someone close to her causing her to be in a mood. Something someone said. No matter how small it is, she blows it out of proportion. It becomes as if she is obsessed, stuck on stupid. You can't get her to talk about nothing else. No matter how many attempts to change the subject she goes right back to it, saying the same thing over and over, repeating it everytime as if it is the first time she said it. Outside of listening to it over and over, what can I say to help calm her down? Does biploar make you a mean and vengefull person or is this just her character? My son in law has been diagnosed bipolar and he is just as sweet as can be. He withdraws and gets quiet at times. Has his days he doesn't want to have any contact with anyone or want to leave the house. He has episodes where he can't sleep and stays up for days. Goes thru a happy euphoric and unable to stop talking times. But I have never seen him have outbursts of hatred for no reason. Him and my daughter live with me so i see his moods and see the symptoms but haven't noticed the poor pitiful me episodes my sister displays. He actually worries and doesn't want to bother anyone with his moods. Also my sister puts on real thick guilt on the fam. She brings up every episode she needed help and how this one or that one didn't care and didn't come to her rescue. Or if we did, we didn't do it properly. Is this typical bipolar behaviour? I am trying not to hate her and do not want to shut her out of my life simply because i don't understand. But at the same time I can't keep allowing her to say and do the hurtful and mean things she does. It is getting harder and harder to overlook her outburst and to listen to her poor pitiful me phone calls that drag on for hours. I am afraid to not listen because if she kills herself i would feel responsible, simply because i chose to not listen and let her go on and on. And during some of these calls she will bring up something I said or did that made her miserable, even if that was 10 years ago. I also want to say outside of her bad days, she is quite wonderful. She can be a great pleasure to be around. She is very smart and has taught me many things. I have read everything online I can find about bipolar and nothing explains how to deal with someone with bipolar when she is being rude, vengeful, way of thinking. Any insight of someone dealing with bipolar would be more than appreciated. I want her in my life and i love her dearly. But I have to ask is bipolar mean she will always be selfish and self centered? Every event becomes a "Not about her day and she is gonna see to it, it is". Is this fair to keep allowing her to be the center of attention? Can she help it at all? Can she refrain from saying rude and obnoxious things? There are 5 girls and 1 outside of myself has become to hate her. Almost can't even tolerate her for more than a small amount of time. Looks at her with eyes of total direspect and shows facial expressions everything my sister says like she wants to puke. I do not want to go there and do not want to get this way with my sister. I know she is sick but I am reaching out to understand. Thank you for listening to such a loooong and drawn out post. And I hope this is the right place to post this, if not direct me to where it should be. __________________ Barbie You'll never leave where you are until you decide where you'd rather be.