[meditation]

Today I've been hard at recovery. I have been to two step meetings and an aftercare meeting.

I just can only take it in small doses but today was overkill.
The more meetings I go to the more I wonder if I am doing something wrong because I am more than happy to be NOT in a meeting.

I get depressed hearing about how people are struggling and in every type of meeting I hear about how wonderful the program is in helping them but none of them are happy and each week it is more of how miserable they are doing but how happy they are to be there and be in whatever step meeting it is they are in and how the program is helping them. I don't understand this at all.

I don't see happy and joyous. I also don't feel the need to be in a meeting so the problem is I wonder because I feel so different about it that either I am not working a program and about to relapse just don't know it yet OR I am not an addict and can't ever understand OR my program of mishmash is working and step meetings aren't my answer?

I have struggled with this since I got into recovery last fall. I don't think I am about to relapse but I hear so much negativity that I wonder if I would know it?

Right now I just think maybe I've overdone the meeting thing too much today and ti's gotten me thinking too much.

In my heart I think my approach (prayer, meditation, Reiki, exercise and gardening) is working for me but if I had it my way not the mandated way I would drop the step meetings and be a whole lot happier but oh well.

Maybe I am just tired and need to go to bed and quit worrying about stuff. It does not help me to hear in a step meeting that people that "don't do step work relapse". ugh. Or the guy that shared how he detoxed and did it on his own and made it 2. 5 years sober and clean and then relapsed without the steps. That horrified me. I hope that he just wanted an excuse to use and took it and it had nothing to do with steps but what do I know. This whole recovery is to me a big guess on what works and how and for how long. I feel depressed the more I hear about it all.
I can't handle steps because I don't believe that I am powerless. I am the one that put that stuff in my system. Nobody but me so I feel that I've got it in me somehow to not choose to keep putting it back in. I mean I would not take a slug of floor wax so why put something in me that would be to my downfall like my DOC? I think I am grieving the loss forever of feeling blissful and without it but let me drag out a tool here that tape player. Yeah playing the tape... it ends bad as usual.
Okay kids going to bed. :praying