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Originally Posted by SelfSeeking  My feeling today is that my "higher power", if I can continue with steps in AA at all, must be something in myself. |
From AA Big Book, We Agnostics,
"We found the Great Reality deep down within us. In the last analysis it is only there that He may be found."
I was in exactly the boat. Life long atheist. I believed that faith in a higher power was a nice crutch for the weak minded, or a tool of social control. I found that my beliefs did not get in the way of recovering via the 12 steps. I just took the steps, nothing special.
Along the way of taking the steps, a concept of a higher power formed. I didn't necessarily choose it, it just had some resonance in my life and gained some traction. My concept has evolved since then, but it still isn't very concrete or what most would see as a classical god concept. Not sure what it is, really, and it really doesn't matter.
I just blindly took the steps because there was nothing left to do and I couldn't go on living like I was. Got on my knees with a sponsor and said the 3rd step prayer and felt absolutely nothing except silly. But, I kept working the steps and it all came together, slowly over time. Hope you find a way to make it work.