hey Katie,
not an AA guy as you know, but your post touched me.
My life is still often unmanageable too in a lot of ways - some of that's down to me and my unrealistic expectations or lapses of judgment or whatever human frailties...but some of it is just plumb down to fate and things that happen...ups and downs.
It's how I deal with it all that matters, and I know sober I'm more likely to manage the vagaries of existence than I am drunk.
I deal with nothing if I'm drunk - everything's put off til tomorrow. I have to deal with everything sober - and that's the rub.
As for the God/HP thing - as you probably know I'm a believer, but I prayed my ass off for years and not a lot happened apart from me getting drunker.
Consequently I wasn't a believer when I started this recovery thing, and even now I still believe I was given hands heart and a mind for a reason. I had to humble myself and take some direction sure - but ultimately the hands that got me into this got me out too.
As I see it now, maybe I had some lessons to learn...and I did - ones that ultimately only had a tangential connection with drinking, but have had everything to do with me becoming a man who doesn't drink anymore.
I dunno if the idea of learning stuff appeals to you right now - it wouldn't have filled me with joy had I realised I was 'character building' either.....but everything I've been through has undeniably made me who and what I am, and I'm a lot more comfortable with that than I used to be.
You made a mistake - don't catastrophise it.
There's a world of difference in you now from the SelfSeeking I met here in your first weeks.... and you'll never lose that now you've got it.
It's common to say I know you can do this here....but I'm lucky enough to know some ppl well enough so that I can say it and *know* it's true.
You can do this. You have the 'stuff'.
Nurture that seed, K
hugs
D