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SelfSeeking · 05-12-2009, 04:52 AM

Drinking *just one* recently has really thrown my inner world into some chaos. I'm angry... frustrated... resenting all my responsibilities and loved ones because they stand in the way of me, my room, and bottles of alcohol. I just wanna drink.
Step 1. Powerless over alcohol. Life is unmanageable. I find that my life is unmanageable NOW. Was unmanageable, leading up to the drink. Sober and when the sh!t hit the fan, life is still unmanageable. Leading to step 2...
2. Came to believe a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. Ok. I'm still here. After all the thought about finding a power greater than myself (a big invisible hypothetical one anyway, not, say, a person who outweighs me by 20 pounds, or an earthquake, or the court system, or a professor), I am back here. No invisible power grabbed that bottle out of my hand. I could have put it back on the table and walked away, but I didn't. I made the choice to drink. Yesterday I made the choice to not. I would have, but I went to an AA meeting and talked to a bunch of drunks! And the craving left... today it's back but less.

My feeling today is that my "higher power", if I can continue with steps in AA at all, must be something in myself. A little seed... a part of myself that wants to be sober, has always wanted to be sober. I need to nurture it and make it stronger.

I don't know how to fit this into AA steps. I still see value to its principles. But I am done trying to force myself into belief in a god.

05-12-2009, 04:52 AM	#1 (permalink)
SelfSeeking Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Northeast US Posts: 1,341 Blog Entries: 2	Back to steps 1 2 &3? Drinking just one recently has really thrown my inner world into some chaos. I'm angry... frustrated... resenting all my responsibilities and loved ones because they stand in the way of me, my room, and bottles of alcohol. I just wanna drink. Step 1. Powerless over alcohol. Life is unmanageable. I find that my life is unmanageable NOW. Was unmanageable, leading up to the drink. Sober and when the sh!t hit the fan, life is still unmanageable. Leading to step 2... 2. Came to believe a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. Ok. I'm still here. After all the thought about finding a power greater than myself (a big invisible hypothetical one anyway, not, say, a person who outweighs me by 20 pounds, or an earthquake, or the court system, or a professor), I am back here. No invisible power grabbed that bottle out of my hand. I could have put it back on the table and walked away, but I didn't. I made the choice to drink. Yesterday I made the choice to not. I would have, but I went to an AA meeting and talked to a bunch of drunks! And the craving left... today it's back but less. My feeling today is that my "higher power", if I can continue with steps in AA at all, must be something in myself. A little seed... a part of myself that wants to be sober, has always wanted to be sober. I need to nurture it and make it stronger. I don't know how to fit this into AA steps. I still see value to its principles. But I am done trying to force myself into belief in a god.