[odaat]

I feel unable to talk to anyone in real life, and really just need to get my thoughts out of my head on onto paper.

I'm unable to talk to the Mental Health team, I don't want to risk drawing attention to the situation in case they refer me to social services.

I'm not able to talk to my family or friends, including those in recovery, because it feels like another betrayal to OH.

I'm an alcoholic, 'dry' for 2.5 years. Far from sober though, I managed to put the drink down, and proceeded to cycle through other addictions - food, sex, self-harm, prescription medication. While I abuse anything, AA always felt like my home and is where I found the tiny bit of recovery I have.

I had a bad lapse in 2008. I have a bit of an odd relationship with my husband, and we agreed to an open relationship. I took it further than we agreed though, and ended up having a 6 month affair. After a couple of overdoses, some serious self-harming incidents and a lot of hurt and pain, I accepted what my AA friends had said, and realised that the affair was wrong, unjustifiable and was another manifestation of my alcoholism. I ended the affair and began to work on my marriage.

A couple of weeks after I ended the affair, I found I was pregnant. I was already 12 weeks gone, and it could have been either my husbands, or the guy I had an affair with.

After discussing all the options, my husband and I decided to raise the baby as ours, and not ever get confirmation of paternity. All was fine with us while I was pregnant.

Two days after having the baby, my husband decided that the baby didn't look like him and was unlikely to be his. Since then, he has been completely distant. He resents the baby and doesn't want to do anything. He has taken a lot of time of work, spent whole days in bed and is very, very unhappy.

I've been diagnosed with Postnatal Depression. I'm struggling with being essentially a single mum in a house with a man who loves her but hates her baby.

He will occasionally hold the baby if I really ask him to, but often a couple of days goes by where he doesn't acknowledge the baby exists. Its been four weeks, and no improvement.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make this situation right. There doesn't seem to be any way to make everyone happy.

I don't want my baby to grow up feeling unloved and ignored. I don't want to leave my husband but I don't know if I can love him after this.

The end of my pregnancy was quite complicated, I was hospitalised a few times, and didn't get to meetings, and wasn't in contact with my sponsor. I've not spoken to her since I had the baby, she works fulltime and the baby is hard work in the evenings.

I don't know how to get to a meeting. I don't have any family or friends near by. Husband won't watch the baby. The only meeting in walking distance is in the evening, and I don't want to walk the couple of miles home at 10pm. I don't have a carseat, and husband is being difficult with paying for one.