| I am at a stand-still
I can't get it together today. Didn't do so good yesterday. Turning my own daughter in to Social Services was so hard. My head tells me it was the right thing to do, but then it tells me what a bad mother I was, how she's right, and this is all my fault. Today, I can't see any good outcome. All I can see is that I will never see her or my grandson again, and my heart hurts. Iam at a standstill. 15 years of sobriety tell me that this is a blip- this too shall pass, blah, blah, blah... but I am screaming inside of myself, and for the first time in a long, long time I want something, anything to take it away. The ONLY reason I'm not stoned right now is that little voice inside of me that keeps telling me, "15 years, 15 years," Does it matter that it was the right thing? she's my daughter. She's my baby. And the other voice, the angry one that says that nothing I ever did for her was good enough. WHY won't she get help? I DID! Shouldn't that prove SOMETHING to her. I'm tired of the merry-go-round in my head. My tool box seems almost empty right now. I can't even pray.
|