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How do you change to be the person you want to be when you've been a jerk most of your life?
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Okay, I know you want it all RIGHT NOW <vbg> and that ain't going to happen. lol So how you do it it, is simple one teeny step at a time One Day At A Time.
What does that mean? Well, take just one thing that frustrates you about you, just one, like your self centeredness. So how do you change that. Here is a simple exercise. Practice doing something nice for someone else EVERY DAY, just one thing, and a different someone each day, and DON'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT. That should keep you busy for a while, lol
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I know it's strange, but that's it, my feelings are strange, just a glob of goo swirling around in my head. Many people think I'm a good guy, I'm helpful, thoughtful and considerate most of the time, but I keep even my closet friends and relatives at a distance, never really disclosing my self intimately, hell I don't even know what that is, intimacy seems like another one of those theories based on a theory to me.
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Welcome to the club. I don't know too many of us tht hven't felt this way in early recovery. You ARE NOT unique,
This recovery 'thing' is "progress not perfection." We spent a lot of years hiding behind a 7ft high 7ft thick steel wall (not wanting to be hurt), using alcohol and/or drugs to numb our feelings, and it will take time, lots of time to undo a lifetime of a very bad habit that turned into slavery.
Picture yourself as a slave just released from the shackles of ALCOHOL. And just like slaves of old, most, upon being set free did not know how to live. Now you are starting to learn how to live a different life than you have had up to know.
Don't be in too big a hurry. Literally stop and smell the roses, watch the clouds change shape, look at the new flowers blooming, watch an ant colony and see how they work. Slowly as you start to stay in today and enjoy the beauties of nature and what is going on around you, you new life will start to grow.
I learned how to do this by first working the 12 steps 1 through 12 in order and then learning how to LIVE the 12 steps on a daily basis.
Slow down a bit FS. I was at a meeting one night at about 8 or 9 months sober and there was a person there taking a cake for 20 years. I must have made a sound, a whimper or something, because my sponsor turned, looked at me, and said:
"You will get 20 years of sobriety, One Day At A Time." Later at coffee she told me she knew exactly what I had been feeling, "I wanted that 20 years NOW." because she had been there herself, rofl
So keep asking your questions, reading your BB, going to meetings, listening, looking for a sponsor. You are already changing you just do not see it yet.
J M H O
Love and hugs,