[firestorm090]

Okay, a couple more questions that you may be able to help me with.

Sometimes I feel my head is like a haunted house at Halloween, you never know what will jump out at you around each corner. It's scary in there. When I really take my blinders off, I see a guy I don't like too much, an arrogant, egotistical jerk, self-centered to the extreme, opinionated, and snobbish. Those qualities disturb me greatly, so I want to change all of them as quickly as possible. That's my impatience coming out. I want to be better, NOW, not next week, not next month, etc.

How do you change to be the person you want to be when you've been a jerk most of your life? I'm tired of being a jerk, someone who doesn't even know the meaning of the word love, someone who has never really loved anyone, including myself. How do you learn to do that? I've read books on love, but remained strangely detached, like I was reading physics or biology, or a how-to manual on fixing the faucet. In the meantime, it seems I've withdrawn further from the world, scared of being hurt, so I don't let others get close to me. That's part of why I drink, for that few minutes of camaraderie, feeling I'm part of the crowd, but never really IN the crowd, if you can understand that. I know it's strange, but that's it, my feelings are strange, just a glob of goo swirling around in my head. Many people think I'm a good guy, I'm helpful, thoughtful and considerate most of the time, but I keep even my closet friends and relatives at a distance, never really disclosing my self intimately, hell I don't even know what that is, intimacy seems like another one of those theories based on a theory to me.

I know this is tough stuff to deal with, but it is this very stuff that I've always ran from, and the end result is I haven't changed much at all inside. I don't like that about myself, so I'm asking how others did it, how does this kind of change happen, can it even be changed or am I stuck being a jerk.?

Any comments would be greatly appreciated.