ReadytoLetGo

I believe I recently had my day of disgust or day of decision as they say. Here's my story: I am 25 years old and I'm currently in the Marine Corps. I have done very well for myself in many aspects of life: I work out like crazy - I do crossfit and I'm training for a marathon; I have gained great rapport and reputation in all that I do; I have gained popularity and support outside in the entreprenurial world as well. One of my mentors told me that our strengths lie very close to our weaknesses and I could not agree more. I give all that I can in all that I do - and guess what - that comes to drinking too. Well let's just say that regardless of all the so-called success I have in all of my other endeavors, I feel like an ultimate failure because I simply cannot beat this ugly thing called alcohol. I have drank heavily since I was 15. I've been in the E.R. several times from alcohol poisoning and almost died when I was 18/19. I drank so much and they made me stay in my room and I would get these horrible cramps that were uncontrollable - almost as if I was going to snap my own back. I could not stop moaning or crying - I simply wanted to die. I remember my neice asking me what was wrong with her Uncle and I could not even say anything except I was really sick and nothing would help me. My number one problem is I can't ever just have one drink. I will go to have one and I simply will not stop. I seem to get energy and it's gotten so bad lately, I drink not for one night but through the night into the next day, throughout the whole next day, the whole next night and sometimes 2-4 days straight. The next days are followed by a hangover that is about 2-3 days long and massive depression and wanting to do nothing but sleep and avoid anyone who wants to talk to me. This obviously IS NOT WORKING. I've actually moved my brother out here to California with me to get him away from drugs and around a more positive environment. I have done that with the exception I feel like it's useless when he sees how I drink and he does the same thing. We end up fighting, arguing, disagreeing and then we won't even talk for several days. This last 6-7 months has been the hardest I've ever dealt with in my life and as I look back the one thing that continues to be a problem is my drinking. This is my vice. It is the reason I have not had the success I want in my business, my career, my relationships, finances, family, etc. I also feel totally hypocritical that I am in such good shape yet I drink like a fish and smoke cigarettes like crazy. That's almost like saying, "I smoke crack but guess what? i work out every day so it kind of balances it out." I don't even believe a lie like that myself.
Well here's what happened this last weekend I've been going through some problems and total devastation. I've had to let my pride go and just been in constant stress/worry/fear/humiliation because I don't even know what's going to happen with me. I went out to the store that night and I even remember telling myself, that little voice in my head, that I should not drink because even if I get a few beers or a bottle it's going to turn into more and it's going to be bad. Well I was in the liquor store for about an hour walking around trying to see if I could talk myself out of it all the while pretending to just be looking for something in particular. I finally gave in and got an 18 pack and a 40 of mickeys. I drank with my brother until the wee hours of the morning and called a girl-acquaintance of mine who actually drove over and took me to the store (because I simply refuse to drive drunk). I got a bottle of vodka and some monsters and preceded to drink for the whole morning. That bottle was gone so I decided to send her and get another bottle. Well I finished that bottle and decided to get ready for the party I was supposed to go to for my friend getting out of the Marines. It was only 6 in the evening when we showed up and I was already gone (as was my brother). What happened was we played beer pong for probably 5 or 6 hours straight non-stop. Mind you I did not eat all day. I simply do not remember at all what happened next. I've blacked out many times before and I'll wake up embarassed either at what I did or completely sore because I obviously did something stupid. Well, apparently, I tried to fight my friends and I don't know if anyone has ever heard of this but they held me down and choked me out and I guess I started snarling, foaming at the mouth, and growling - they tried to hold me down (and these are big sized guys) and I threw them off of me - like not natural human strength. I apparently got up and tried to run and jump off the roof (we were on a 5-7 story rooftop). They tackled me I threw them off and preceded to run to the other side and try to jump off. Somehow they choked me out twice and apparently were yelling things in my ear like, "In the name of Jesus leave this body," etc and that's when I flipped out I guess.
Either way, whether demon possession is really real or not, I am simply not proud of the fact I can't control myself. I feel so helpless I simply do not want to live. My car window is broken, nice glasses are gone. Everything I ever have that is good gets broken because apparently I am insane. I was told that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting things to change. My whole body is like bashed up - elbows, shoulders, knees, knuckles, head, neck. I don't even have motivation to get up and do anything anymore. I don't want to answer my phone. I simply do not even want to work. I sometimes feel that it would be better to be dead than to have to continue to go through this.
I watched my mom be an alcoholic her whole life. She lived on the streets and I'm very lucky she never died. She has been sober now the last 6 years or so and has cirrhosis of the liver. She has even quit cigarettes without second thoughts. I finally made peace with her and we forgave each other and what not, etc. and now I know I've got to get rid of this demon before it gets rid of me. I feel like I'm called to do so much in this life and I have very lofty goals - almost unimaginable for people to think I'll ever achieve them. I used to believe I can do it no matter what. That it is impossible to stop a man or woman who won't quit. Well I feel exactly that now, it is impossible to stop a man or woman who won't quit....drinking. I want to quit and I want help. What's the best first start.
I think what always holds me back is that it's so socially accepted not only in the marine corps but in my business after-events as well - and pretty much by all of society. I don't want to be this guy anymore. Your help is appreciated. Thank you all for the support and God Bless you.