[Mark75]

is back...

I recently had a business disappointment... a fairly serious one but it's not fatal. I am in business with my wife, which of course complicates things. But that's not what I want to post about.

I am 7+ months sober after 39 years of drinking and and many other things off and on.... Intervention, rehab, AA, recovery program.

Today my old thinking came back... I can't really describe my old thinking, but I know it when I think it.... F#%k it... "I don't want it, Don't need it, and Don't have to have it" attitude about the next right things I have to do. Then the "hole" opens up...

You know, I want to trust God, and I do. I say I do, but today I'm not, really. I have acceptance, but today I am trying to think of a way out... I have gratitude but it's laced with some entitlement...

I hope that this doesn't sound like a pity party... I am pissed that I feel this way. I guess this is really a confession of sorts. I have almost completed my fourth step... I know the answers are there, in step work. At least I didn't drink and won't. I went to my home group meeting. I've prayed, but somethings blocking it. I will do the next right things, but I've some resentment.

I hope you don't mind my public confession. I posted this here because I am not looking for sympathy, but maybe someone can tell me what I need to hear.

Mark