SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post - Running away from myself does not work, Nicotine did not give me what I needed!

SeekSobriety · 04-23-2009, 12:55 PM

Good morning freinds.
The brain sure is a strange organ, I have no idea why I sometimes think smoking is going to give me what I seem to be lacking, I envision this wonderful place that was depicted in all the cigarette ads of the vast empty plains with me on a horseback, wind blowing through my hair enjoying a nice juicy cigarette with no cares in the world. Then the record abruptly scratches and comes to a halt, that place does not exist. Say What?! Yeah you heard me, that place does not exist! It is a world of make believe, created in the science labs of the nicotine pushers and cancer dealers.
That Marlboro cowboy has been long dead of lung cancer, the happy place while smoking is a figment of my imagination. Damn, you mean to tell me this is it? This place right here and now, I cannot run away and hide with a smoke? Well you can run but you cannot hide from yourself! Gosh darnit, I tried, I ran and ran and ran, country to country, foreign land, by land sea and air, by foot by horse and camel, I always came back to this one place I so desperatly tried to run from, M Y S E L F!!!! Jeez, it took me a awfull lot of left jobs and expensive airfare tickets to come to that conclusion, and boy oh boy, like a pack of smokes I always told myself that the next trip will be different! Sounds sorta like the old mind telling me how that next Cigarette will be different. Oh yeah this current smoke taste pretty bad and I smell awfull and have a terrible taste in my throat but let me tell you after I get another cup of coffee my next smoke will be much more enjoyable. Oh would you believe it never was? It never was like I thought it would be. Those smokes never gave me what I hoped and imagined it would feel like, the anticipation was so much better then the actual end result of sucking down those noxious chemicals.

So I try and stay in the present moment of right now, instead of trying to run away into my mind to the future and the past (that may or may not have ever even existed, (FantasyLand!), let me try and be here at this moment. So I am typing to my freinds who understand how I feel because after all we are all in this together and sometimes when our mind plays tricks on us and we think that smoking or using is going to make things better we need to check in and remember that it did not give us what we wanted 9 times out of 10 otherwise we would not be here. Sure I am not going to lie, a cigarette felt good every now and then, it is the other 10,000 cigarettes that followed that first one that was the problem!

Anyways I am glad to be here today with over 7 1/2 months, it is nowhere near as difficult as it was the first few days and weeks, it does get easier although with the passage of time can come complacency and selective memory, forgetting about the negatives of Cigarettes and obsessing over the few positives, it sure is crazy how the mind seems to forget so easily, which is I guess why so many nicotine recovery programs talk about "Relapse Insurance" being a paragraph that one writes about why they are choosing to quit, if we ever "Forget" we can always open up that note to ourselves. I think I am going to write my future self another note about smoking so if I "forget" just why I quit I can quickly remind myself without having to go down that road of "just one drag" which will inevitably lead to complete relapse and almost certain death from this horrific addiction.

Thanks for listening to me and I wish each and every one here a wonderful day and all the strength, health and success in one breath at a time taking back control of our lives from a little stick of chemicals and twigs (or pouch) or Gum.

Have a wonderful day.

God/HigherPower/Universe/energy/buddah/life/earth/ Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. (like how people act in traffic, how people act towards me)
The courage to change the things I can (Like how I respond to people in traffic,how I act and reAct to my fellows) and the Wisdom to know the difference. (what is my business and what is none of my business?)

Thank you for this day. Thank you for being you. Thank you!

04-23-2009, 12:55 PM	#1 (permalink)
SeekSobriety Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 296	Running away from myself does not work, Nicotine did not give me what I needed! Good morning freinds. The brain sure is a strange organ, I have no idea why I sometimes think smoking is going to give me what I seem to be lacking, I envision this wonderful place that was depicted in all the cigarette ads of the vast empty plains with me on a horseback, wind blowing through my hair enjoying a nice juicy cigarette with no cares in the world. Then the record abruptly scratches and comes to a halt, that place does not exist. Say What?! Yeah you heard me, that place does not exist! It is a world of make believe, created in the science labs of the nicotine pushers and cancer dealers. That Marlboro cowboy has been long dead of lung cancer, the happy place while smoking is a figment of my imagination. Damn, you mean to tell me this is it? This place right here and now, I cannot run away and hide with a smoke? Well you can run but you cannot hide from yourself! Gosh darnit, I tried, I ran and ran and ran, country to country, foreign land, by land sea and air, by foot by horse and camel, I always came back to this one place I so desperatly tried to run from, M Y S E L F!!!! Jeez, it took me a awfull lot of left jobs and expensive airfare tickets to come to that conclusion, and boy oh boy, like a pack of smokes I always told myself that the next trip will be different! Sounds sorta like the old mind telling me how that next Cigarette will be different. Oh yeah this current smoke taste pretty bad and I smell awfull and have a terrible taste in my throat but let me tell you after I get another cup of coffee my next smoke will be much more enjoyable. Oh would you believe it never was? It never was like I thought it would be. Those smokes never gave me what I hoped and imagined it would feel like, the anticipation was so much better then the actual end result of sucking down those noxious chemicals. So I try and stay in the present moment of right now, instead of trying to run away into my mind to the future and the past (that may or may not have ever even existed, (FantasyLand!), let me try and be here at this moment. So I am typing to my freinds who understand how I feel because after all we are all in this together and sometimes when our mind plays tricks on us and we think that smoking or using is going to make things better we need to check in and remember that it did not give us what we wanted 9 times out of 10 otherwise we would not be here. Sure I am not going to lie, a cigarette felt good every now and then, it is the other 10,000 cigarettes that followed that first one that was the problem! Anyways I am glad to be here today with over 7 1/2 months, it is nowhere near as difficult as it was the first few days and weeks, it does get easier although with the passage of time can come complacency and selective memory, forgetting about the negatives of Cigarettes and obsessing over the few positives, it sure is crazy how the mind seems to forget so easily, which is I guess why so many nicotine recovery programs talk about "Relapse Insurance" being a paragraph that one writes about why they are choosing to quit, if we ever "Forget" we can always open up that note to ourselves. I think I am going to write my future self another note about smoking so if I "forget" just why I quit I can quickly remind myself without having to go down that road of "just one drag" which will inevitably lead to complete relapse and almost certain death from this horrific addiction. Thanks for listening to me and I wish each and every one here a wonderful day and all the strength, health and success in one breath at a time taking back control of our lives from a little stick of chemicals and twigs (or pouch) or Gum. Have a wonderful day. God/HigherPower/Universe/energy/buddah/life/earth/ Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. (like how people act in traffic, how people act towards me) The courage to change the things I can (Like how I respond to people in traffic,how I act and reAct to my fellows) and the Wisdom to know the difference. (what is my business and what is none of my business?) Thank you for this day. Thank you for being you. Thank you!