Here is where I started when I had that same question early in my recovery.
From the Big Book of AA, Appendix II, Spiritual Experience
Copyright ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS WORLD SERVICES, INC
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The terms “spiritual experience” and “spiritual awakening” are used many times in this book which, upon careful reading, shows that the personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism has manifested itself among us in many different forms.
Yet it is true that our first printing gave many readers the impression that these personality changes, or religious experiences, must be in the nature of sudden and spectacular upheavals. Happily for everyone, this conclusion is erroneous.
In the first few chapters a number of sudden revolutionary changes are described. Though it was not our intention to create such an impression, many alcoholics have nevertheless concluded that in order to recover they must acquire an immediate and overwhelming “God-consciousness” followed at once by a vast change in feeling and outlook.
Among our rapidly growing membership of thousands of alcoholics such transformations, though frequent, are by no means the rule. Most of our experiences are what the psychologist William James calls the “educational variety” because they develop slowly over a period of time. Quite often friends of the newcomer are aware of the difference long before he is himself. He finally realizes that he has undergone a profound alteration in his reaction to life; that such a change could hardly have been brought about by himself alone. What often takes place in a few months could seldom have been accomplished by years of self-discipline. With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves.
Most of us think this awareness of a Power greater than ourselves is the essence of spiritual experience. Our more religious members call it “God-consciousness.”
Most emphatically we wish to say that any alcoholic capable of honestly facing his problems in the light of our experience can recover, provided he does not close his mind to all spiritual concepts. He can only be defeated by an attitude of intolerance or belligerent denial.
We find that no one need have difficulty with the spirituality of the program. Willingness, honesty and open mindedness are the essentials of recovery. But these are indispensable.
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Some it seems it is almost like lightening. Others, like mine, come slowly. I had worked the steps (except there were still some folks I hadn't found to do my step 9 <amends> to) and one morning I got up was doing my morning routine and this feeling came over me. It was WOW, here I am, I am living sober, I am actually doing it, I don't need that bottle any more. It was a very warm 'comforting' feeling. It was a feeling of relief. It was a feeling of accomplishment, it was a feeling that I could continue to do this for me and maybe even help some others along the way.
I was about 15 months sober at the time. It has been many ODAATs now, and I still enjoy being of service to others and not just in AA.
You ask:
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I"m wondering about, the twelve steps, do they help you become happy, joyous and free?
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I can say this for me, MOST DEFINITELY YES. Now that does not mean that I 'skip' through life every day, rofl Using an old clique here, I can honestly say that my very WORST day in sobriety was still 5000% better than my very best day out there using and abusing. You will notice that I have a little note about 'trugin through alligators up to your butt in my signature. lmao I have surely done my fair share of that in sobriety.
The steps have given me the 'freedom' to 'deal' with those 'curve balls' that life throws a person, without having to numb myself and hide. To me THAT IS PART OF THE FREEDOM.
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I have a hard time with God, because I was raised to believe that He's up in Heaven right now writing down all the bad, hurtful things I've done and I will face His judgement in the end.
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Been there too, only I was also taught that every little or big 'bad' thing I did also put a black mark on my soul. I do understand your trepidation. My awakening on those things came at about 9 months when I went to a 1 day mini retreat led that day by a Catholic Priest in the program.
At the lunch break, I was sitting talking with Father Frank the first priest I had talked in over 22 years since I left the Catholic Church at 14 vowing never to go back.
Father Frank, who was about 16yrs sober then said to me very simply. "I want you to forget what the Nuns taught or what you believe they taught you. Instead, at each meeting you go to ......................... just look around the room and see the MIRACLES. That is where you will find a Higher Power of Your Understanding."
You know what? He was right.
You too can find what I and many others have found. Oh there will be times when your head tells you it's silly, or 'it' doesn't make sense, or why do I have to do this or that. There will be times that you are going to want to analyze the chit out of something in the book, and when you get all done analyzing will still be confused, lol. However, as time goes on, all will start to make some sense.
Find a sponsor that is willing to be a guide through the BB of AA. Find a sponsor that is willing to share how they work the program and show it in their daily lives.
When I asked Beverly to be my sponsor, she explained to me that her 'job' as sponsor was to "guide you through the first 164 pages of the BB of AA and show you how I have applied it in my life." Were there suggestions? You bet there were. Did some of them seem outrageous at the time? ABSOLUTELY. Why on earth would I want to call her EVERY day for crying out loud? But I did it. Little did I know that even though I protested I was showing that I was "willing" to follow at least some direction. Were there sometimes STRONG suggestions? Yep. Did I resent them sometimes? Yep, but I did them, again sometimes under protest, but I knew I wanted sobriety.
I have to tell you also that Beverly and Husband became my very best friends. They have both passed now, and I still MISS THEM VERY MUCH. They taught me so much more than just how to live sober.
So .................................................. ask away. I hope you find a sponsor.
Hope the above helps a bit.
Love and hugs,