[Silla]

I wasn't sure whether to put this in one of the addiction forums or the mental health forum. This forum probably has more experience with medication, and I've been around 12-step groups enough to know that some people are very strongly biased against medication. I've got some addiction questions too, but I'd be happy with feedback from anyone.

I have bipolar disorder. Bipolar I with psychotic features is the official diagnosis. I HAVE to take medication. I really have to. I am also in NA because I've been addicted to benzodiazepines and alcohol. I'm 17 days clean. Something is working.

But I'm still taking my medication (non benzos) My sponsor knows of this, and we have an agreement that I have bipolar disorder and need to take certain medications, I am still clean.

Here's the issue. I'm getting into mania right now. I've barely slept all week. I'm overspending. I'm taking walks at 2 am in the big city. I'm not eating. I can't finish anything. (this post actually took about an hour to write.) I'm cruising craigslist for guys. I've started seeing shadows. Big big warning signs, and it's taken a turn for the worse in the last two days especially. I NEED to do something.

I saw my psychiatrist. He took me seriously when I said I wasn't sleeping. He wants me to take ativan to help get me down. I told him that I couldn't take any benzos because of my addiction history. He said just for a few days. I can't do it. I don't care what he says, I can't take a benzo and still call myself clean. I can't take a benzo without it maybe leading to a relapse.

So I don't know what to do. He increased one of my other medications, but right now it hasn't helped. I talk to him on the phone on Friday and I can bring up my concerns then...

But I think I need to let my sponsor know what's going on. This is where I need advice about combining a mental health diagnosis with 12 step recovery. I could tell her that I'm getting manic and the doctor prescribed ativan but I'm not taking it because I need to stay clean, but what could she say? She knows nothing about bipolar disorder and I'm hesitant to let her see that side of me. I know I need to be honest with her, but I feel like I'd be sticking her in a tough spot. What could she tell me? She won't understand bipolar because she has no experience with it. I think. I don't know. What do I say?