[firestorm090]

I hope I don't p*ss off too many people here, but I tried AA for almost two years, about five years ago, and found the experience to be really strange. I am considering going back to try to find some fellow recovery friends, but am hesitant because I don't agree with much of what I experienced.

For example, when I went to my first meeting, I sat down with a group of guys, who started asking me personal questions about my life, before the meeting began. They asked me if I had a sponsor, which I didn't because it was the first time I had gone there, so how could I have a sponsor? They assigned me a sponsor, who I didn't even know, and over time came to not like at all. he talked a lot of stuff about having 25 yrs. sober, yet he couldn't pay for his own meals. Every time we went to the "meeting after the meeting" he would order dinner, or breakfast, coffee or pie and ask me to cover him, which he never reciprocated. he was, in my opinion, a sober mooch, preying on newcomers to feed his fat self. I became disgusted with him, he was lazy, two-hundred pounds overweight, and he's trying to control my life??? Huh? I found that many in the "rooms" wanted to take control of their "pigeons", as we were called. I resented that name, I'm not a pigeon, I was a drunk looking for help. I also tired quickly of his admonitions that my way didn't work, but his did, so he was the AA guru. Come on, after 25 yrs. you can't buy your own damn breakfast? Get real. I tried another sponsor, who told me to call him every day, so I did, only to rarely even talk to him. I thought I had problems till I met him. What a nutcase, but he sure was good at giving the same talk every week, being on the speaker circuit, and acting like all was well, hell I did that when I was drunk, why did I need him to show me how to be full of shi$ when I was sober? I was told by a counselor that I should try AA and that a sponsor would help guide me through the twelve steps. What I found were guys who wanted to infringe on all areas of my life, try to control me, nag at me if I missed a meeting, tell me not to date so&so for the first year, or I would drink. That's another thing, the fear of alcohol just oozed in the rooms, like a foreboding presence out to grab me at any time. I never was forced to drink and I drank by picking up the bottle myself, not having the bottle jump into my hands. Why stop drinking if I'm going to spend my life in fear of the next drink? I think I'd rather just drink it and get it over with.

So, that's the beginning of my confusion about these twelve steps. Where's the magic? Do you need to sit around with a bunch of ex-drunks to get the message? What is the real message here? I've never had a problem with saying I believe in God, I do, and that's not a problem with me. I call Him God, although I concede he may actually be a she. That I don't know. But I believe in God, so is that the real message I missed? I try to do right to the best of my ability, but when I was going to AA, I always felt like I was under a microscope, being judged by some guys who hadn't drank for years, but that I wouldn't want to hang out with for ten minutes. I may be a drunk, but I'm sure as h*ll not stupid, although I've done some stupid things. I always felt less than the older members, because it seemed they were more hung up on how long it had been since their last drink than it was to live a happy, productive, and cohesive life.

OK, that's my vent about AA. I heard the message many times, but apparently didn't see the real thing in action. Maybe that's it, it was just given a bunch of lip service, but not real in the lives of those spewing it out.

I just wonder if I went to meetings again, if it would be any different? Is it helpful to recovery to hang around with others who seem more dysfunctional than yourself?

Thanks for reading all of this, it's built up over five years. When I left AA, I was so disgusted that I threw the Big Book I had in the trash.