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I relate to all the self hatred. I have gained probably 20 pounds in the past 9 months due to nightly bingeing. My perception of my body is so crazy I dont know if I'm fat, chubby, normal, average, whatever. Even at my skinniest, I am obsessed about food control and how "fat I look".
75% of the time, the thoughts going through my head are: I am so fat, everyone hates me, everyone thinks I am repulsive, nobody could ever love a fat girl like me, my body is so disgusting, i am such a failure, i cant do everything right, oh my god my ass is HUGE, oh look she is so skinny she must be so happy the boys must love her................
My solution to this? eat. eat more. get bigger. eat. hate myself.
IT IS HELL. I know that if I dont stop this I am going to start using meth again or kill myself. I am not even joking. So today I am trying something different: A MANTRA. I have been saying over and over in my head "God is everything". I need to heal my insides. I need to feel the love of my higher power if I am going to treat myself lovingly. I am at my breaking point. Anymore of this, if I get any larger, if I fail one more exam because of my binging or wake up late because of my purging..... welll.... I am very scared of that happening. Petrified. If I pass a certain limit there is no going back, I will have to use because it will be too scary to walk around with more self hatred and bitter loneliness.........
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