Lili, stop trying to figure it out. Say a prayer "God, help me see what I need to see," and start writing.
This isn't about the sevx act. How do I conduct myself in relationships? Your comment about dating says something about how you view your relations. Relationships aren't games and it isn't about shopping around and messing with other's emotions so that you can find Mr. Right. I'll say more about that in a bit.
Do I use others for my own gain? That could include sex, but it could also mean using another human being for emotional security. Or using them so that I can look good.
Where was I selfish? Were you only thinking of your wants and needs?
Where was I dishonest? What were your motives? Did you lie? Did you cheat? Did you steal? Did you lie about how you felt?
Where was I inconsiderate? Did you fail to consider how your actions might affect another? Did you only care about yourself?
Did I unjustifiably arouse jealousy? Did you ever flirt with someone while you were involved with someone? How about suspicion? Ever hide your activities from someone? Bitterness? Those guys you hurt? That's bitterness. To answer the question is it justified or not, let's just say that to arouse these feelings in another is to cause spiritual harm and that's not justifiable.
Where was I fault? What wre your actions in the relationship? What should I have done instead? You come up with that answer.
You left out a question: "We subject each relation to this test: was it selfish or not?" If you are like me, and you are because you are a human being with alcoholism, the answer is yes.
You are leaving God out of the equation. "We ask (anytime it says ask, it means prayer) God to shape our ideals and to help us to live up to them." Ask God to help you shape a sane and sound ideal to grow towards. This is about forming a vision of your own standards and morals to live up to. It is not about the future "Mr. Right." In fact it isn't about finding Mr. or Mrs. Right, it is about becoming Mr. or Mrs. Right. That is quote from Marianne Williamson, by the way.
What do they mean by relation? It means how do you relate to other people? How do you view others and yourself?
Jim
Big Book references from Alcoholics Anonymous, First Edition