Today was a really bad day. It didn't start off that way. I woke up next to my husband who went into work late. I got to go to work early and from the time I left after having a little fun it just started to go down and down and down. The days don't get any more beautiful or prettier than it was today. It was a summer day. I have been waiting all winter for this warm weather and all I could do was crash when I got home and want to go to bed all weekend. I am going to die if I feel this way all summer. I have been gaining weight (this is a huge issue for me) since I haven't been running. I seem to be into this addiction of self destruction. The more depressed or down I get the less I want to or will even allow myself to care for myself. I overeat to punish myself and I don't run to punish myself. I just can't seem to get out of this cycle. This may have hit badly today because I have been doing a really good job of making my husband feel less stressed about my situation and not fighting with him. I can't seem to get any work accomplished and I do have a ton of work to do. I need to be productive because the punishing is reinforced if I don't get the work done. I feel the same discussions continuing. "I have to like myself better" That isn''t going to happen soon. "I have to lighten up on my lack of accomplishments and savor in what I do" I just don't feel it. I just don't feel like it is going to change. I am not going to go to the eating forum because I can't even think about the weight right now. All of this is so hard for me to deal with.
I do keep it together all day long but then it just crashes down on me at the end of the day. I am going to go to bed and hope this funk is a little better in the morning.
